Imagine

Consider a world where information was shared freely; where everything was shared freely. Nobody stockpiled anything; nobody wanted for more than the next person. There is no race for power; no insecure need to be better than anything. Imagine a peace that spreads from the heart; warm and free. A peace and happiness that nothing can touch. Mourn the passing of friends, but remember most that it was their time to go and remember the best parts. Imagine a world where everybody is happy with just living because there is no bad thing in the world that can't be overcome and they all know it.

Everyone free of fear and those who try to stir it up; free to think and free to help those who need it; free of ridicule and doubt. A world where we don't pollute everything around us for a few basic luxuries. If we can't do it right; we won't do it at all. A world where nobody goes hungry or cold and homeless. Where everybody is treated equally and nobody is left out.

These governments of men; men in general; have striven countless generations to defeat fear only to fall prey to it. Centuries upon centuries of senseless wars have been fought and forgotten for that one simple ideal. That is what we fight for when we're backed into a corner by those who have fallen prey and have chosen to try to control us and everything else instead of merely helping us protect ourselves.

Courage against fear. How the hell is the world supposed to get better if people just stop fighting for the right things? These are things that could be had in the world if people would just let go of greed and fear. We need an economy? bullshit. Lies made up to make us believe that we had to pay for the right to live.

We can live to see a world like that come about if we but take action now; in the present. An actual utopia of share and share alike. That is a possibility and we can reach for it. We can bloody hell fight for it and die fighting for something that was actually worth it instead of something hollow and momentary. After all; what good are our lives if we deprive the right to live to countless numbers of people yet to even come into existence by our negligent acceptance of a decaying society in a world that we're swiftly tearing apart.

You're Never Truly Alone

We are only as alone as we perceive ourselves to be. Everyone hurts and feels pain; we are all just victims of life. The ones not worth spending time on are the people who never try to get better or rise above the pain to spread love the way it should be spread. I try to see the suffering people never talk about; the pain that only surfaces in anger or rage and acts of violence against others. There's not enough done in advance to mitigate that pain; nobody there to catch many of these people as they fall and instead of learning to rise above it all; they stay down and become worse.

We become slaves to the pain and hurt and instead of blaming it, we blame each other; we hate each other for simply making mistakes bred by suffering and trauma. The only way people are going to have equality is when all people suffer equally and everyone is made to see the similarities in all people rather than the apparent differences.

Witch-hunts: Early Psychological Warfare

I'd like to touch on the witch trials and witch hunts of a recent era. Originally, it was never about witchcraft. Women were beginning again to understand their power over men and were using it. After countless centuries of being pressed down by religion for being the one to tempt Adam into eating the apple; and by man because man viewed woman to be the weaker sex; women had finally started waking up and doing something for their gender and men did not like it.

At the time, stories of witches were spreading like modern day urban legends and men saw an out. They capitalized on the fear caused by these stories and started accusing people of being witches. People they didn't like or didn't care for; people they wanted to get rid of. And certainly, less intelligent men came after that realized the same and did accuse people of witchcraft just to get rid of them; however they weren't as adept at hiding their trail.

As the fear spread, women themselves became a part of the hunters because they actually believed these other poor souls to be witches. After a time, it stopped being reduced to merely women being hunted and expanded to men, too.

Why they stopped: People of intelligence and authority in the world at the time saw that the witch hunts and trials were a sham, saw the brutal nature of these events first hand and gained the necessary strength to put an end to them. That, and certain members of the group that started it all were being accused of witchcraft themselves. It was entirely too violent to control.

What's interesting to note is that the entire thing actually pushed more people to dabble in magic and witchcraft. It became forbidden and interesting and promised power. As much as people detested the idea of others having it, they wanted it for themselves.

So, if you happen to wonder why women play so many psychological games and try to fuck men over as much as possible; here's one of the reasons why.

More on the Boston Bombings

I really hate seeing the news about the Boston Bombings and their follow-ups. I really hate to see all the people that believe what they hear from the news at this point because it's all too coincidentally miss-timed and looks exactly like a government cover-up and an attempt to discredit the people that support those boys.

I firmly believe the FBI and/or CIA were involved with the bombing beforehand; knew of it and planned it; and are using it as an excuse to force many things onto the public that the public wouldn't have accepted if they weren't up in arms over being attacked.

Watertown was turned into a police state where the police went heavily armed from door to door and bypassed all citizen rights to go through and search peoples entire houses at gun point just to find a lone teenager. The people cheered when the teen was found; because they were afraid. The government put that fear into them with the show of force and instead of being reasonably afraid, they applied it to a teenager on the run who had to have been scared.

Our government terrorizes at least 5-6 other countries in the world. Our government is known for acts of terrorism worldwide; yet people find it hard to believe they'd use the same force to control their own country? Fear and confusion are very popular and powerful tools in the tyrant world and our governments use them well.

Why Homosexuality is Hated

The reason why the government is so against gay marriage in general; and religion, too; is because of the fact that they have been pushing for some time now for a much larger population. This was done to keep control over the people; as the larger the crowd of people that wasn't in power; the more confusion there would be; the more they could pull the wool over the eyes of the masses; the more they could get away with. As all sorts of people fought each other, they would continue to rise in power as people found their way to them and supported them with virtuous intent; sing their praises to confuse the rest of the public.

They made people hate gays and view it as an act of perversion when it was entirely natural. The majority of Roman Caesars had both male and female lovers. As animals with reproductive organs, we are highly sexual creatures and there is nothing wrong with that. Confusion is a very good control tactic; but highly volatile; and it has worked for a long time. It all comes down to control and they sought to control the minds of the youth; influence a lot at an early age and they thought ahead a long way and set in motion a perpetual hate machine that would enable them to keep power by brutally beating blind hatred into people.

People in Synch

While I was having a little meltdown the other day; being all angry and bitter; I wasn't the only one.

My best friend Tim was having a similarly bad day where all of tensions rose to a max.

Also, on that same day during the same exact time, there was a story that happened yesterday about a kid that took brass knuckles and a gun to school and injured a couple other kids.

I'm sure there's other people out there with similar stories.

This could be coincidence in itself, but it's not the first time it's happened. People are in synch more than they realize; their brains and emotions put off an energy pattern that is just now being barely understood and applied to public science. That energy goes unseen through the world, affecting people in different ways. Our brains acting as both energy generators and receptors.

I also believe that others have realized this before me and have applied it in the same ways that humans have applied such things in the past. I believe that some agency is at work that uses technology that mimics the same energy frequencies as emotions and they use it to manipulate and control the populace; in a broad sense of the word 'control'.

Power of Belief

A lot of human power comes from the ability to believe in things. Our beliefs take on a vibrant power of their own as evidenced by Placebos and Nocebos. This is why our government has been hard at work crimping what it is we believe and disbelieve in. It fears those beliefs and has circulated countless insecurities through modern 'psychology' to infect the public with fear. Fear; the great inhibitor; that which stops man from acting like he should. The source of all other negativity; fear.They have wanted you to believe bad things so they could keep their vice grip on power and control; and perhaps they've gone so far to design technology utilizing specific sound waves and frequencies to put that fear and insecurity into the people through memetic and osmotic processes. The fact is that our beliefs do hold power and they hold more power than whatever negativity is thrown at us. They can overcome it and adapt in various ways and forms.We only need to believe with all of our hearts in goodness and world peace and they will surely be ours in time; because by believing in those things we give ourselves some small peace of mind, which in turn actually paves the way for those things. In fact, you can realistically say that if one person believes in a small enough thing without interference; with a strong belief; it will come true. You can realistically say that if many people believe in one thing, it will come true faster depending on how much they believe.So, when asked what you did today to add your efforts to bettering this world, just say: 'I believed.', because even that is an extreme hardship when faced with despair.

An Early Prediction

It will start as a protest; a general murmur among the populace voiced reasonably to their government. From there, they will be ignored until they start to become intolerant of their governments ignoring them. They will protest louder and stronger and with more fire and the military and police will be called in to keep them in line. It won't be clear who drew first blood, whether law enforcement or civilian. Tensions will be high on both sides and nobody will remember or even care. Neither side will come out on top of that initial skirmish; the peace will be reigned in, but it will be an uneasy peace; the type that weighs heavily in the air with foreboding.

The populace will not stoop to acts of protest any further at that point, but turn into the 'terrorists' that the government tried to 'protect' us from; the people dissatisfied with our governments policies and moralistic integrity. They will strike the first real blow against the government and force it to play its hand in turning the US into a police state.

People will see, then, just how much the government controls, from our cell phones to our computer to our vehicles to our very homes and our lives. The revolution will have already begun by that point though, and those who lacked the wit to be informed will be trying to play catch up as everything gets escalated beyond control.

The people will do what they do best and resort to guerrilla warfare tactics of hit and run and then blending back into the scenery; the government, too, will have its victories in the form of live executions of those individuals caught and ousted.

Homes will be burnt, city blocks demolished; everything short of nuclear power will be used and even some new technology thrown into the mix that people are currently unexpecting, but shouldn't be too surprised by. This is unavoidable. People will try to avoid it, but they will find that all routes lead to it due to other peoples pigheadedness and unwillingness to step down from power or to give up what they worked so hard to corrupt.

many scared people who were never meant to see war will die; caught in the crossfire; many people who never were made for such dark things will witness horror embodied in man and fall back from the sight as if struck dead and still others will fight against family and friend as sides are chosen and fiercely protected in ignorance and deception.

Woe becomes the species that chose knowledge over happiness; and through knowledge have pursued that satisfaction which only ignorance can give. Through knowledge trying to cheat that which can not be cheated, while even the ignorant gloat of their wisdom in seeing the futility of. Though knowledge be chosen, ignorant they remain; neither fully remaining ignorant nor choosing to fully embrace knowledge; they twist along the nether of the middle ground, bumbling and stumbling like so many fools caught up in fancies of running errands for the Gods.

Woe becomes the species that corrupts instead of purifies; which pushes down the good to exalt the bad; which places their own personal needs and well being above those of all other animals on the planet; this species that has the knowledge and power to rise above and be as a loving brother in the guidance of all others. And until knowledge and enlightenment is pursued to its final destination...

Woe becomes us.

I Am

I am what I want to be
not what you make of me
I am what I see to be
not what you see in me
I am who I ought to be
nothing you can do to me
I am the one who rose up
who never let a thing keep him down
I fought the good fight; I fought
and so I learned to be a clown
funny and humorous, though here you don't see it
here I am serious, where reality is tenuous
in the end it is because this is the internet
this is where I can reach the most people
with the light of my good intent
to try to bring logic and sense and reason
to as many people that will listen
at the same time stumbling and bumbling
and making mistakes; I'm only human; among humans
I try to keep patience, but damn the ignorance
try to keep friendly, but damn the haters
try to keep control, but damn the unseen
Just more negativity and it spreads
like I want my love to spread
and some times it gets to me
some times it's overwhelming
but I fight it well, I fight the good fight
and I'll fight it until the day that I die
All for freedom of mind.

4/20 True Story, Sadly

The funniest thing just happened. I was on another community website like Facebook and saw a person say something about 4/20 not being a holiday. I, of course, jumped to the defense and was met with 'it's not a real holiday that means anything like Christmas or Thanksgiving.'

"oh, right. Christmas, the supposed birth of Christ when Christ was actually born in the middle of summer. The act of giving gifts during this time didn't really catch on until Saint Nicholas, who was modest man and a wood-carver. The children of his village were poor and had no toys, but were good children; so he crafted toys for them and gave them to them on Christmas Eve. Nobody really remembers this. The Christmas tree was re-introduced by the French in the late 1700's, early 1800's and before then was seen as the yule log in old pagan traditions, because they moved the birth of Christ to the day that pagan religions held their yule rituals to make Christianity more appealing to the masses; thus manipulating them to join. It is now nothing but a corporate whore.

Thanksgiving was originally intended for the giving of thanks and appreciation for the things that we had; which is funny, because it's now followed by Black Friday where people go out and spend as much as they can on sales in the stores. The first Thanksgiving was to give thanks to the Native Americans for providing help to the pilgrims during their first year in North America; because they wouldn't have been ready to survive the winter otherwise. They repaid the Native Americans by massacring them, stealing their land and raping their culture, which is now reduced to casinos and fireworks; and placed them on reservations that we controlled and monitored.

Those are your holidays. My holiday celebrates a natural herb that grows out of the ground and actually has some curative properties to it; enhancing the body and mind and creating a peaceful atmosphere where people may relax and come together peacefully. We would share it with everyone for free if not for the economy."

They continued to hate on the 4/20 and told me to shut up and that I was stupid; that they were just sharing their opinion and nobody had asked me for my input and I replied "if you're going to post something like this in a place that is VIEWED PUBLICLY, then expect the public to RESPOND TO IT. If you can not take the heat; then do not POST TO THE PUBLIC. Dumbass"

To which was replied: "you wouldn't talk to me like that in person; I'd rip your head off."

ah, violence; the solver of everything logical and reasonable in the world. And then I was blocked.

This only goes to show just how much ignorance is still out there.

For Boston and Cambridge

The News is a scary place these days. There's a lot going on in the world today and it's hard to believe that it could touch us, but it did. It doesn't only hit too close to home; for some of us, it does hit home. It blows home the fuck up. We once believed that America was infallible and would never fall under attack and the more we read these days; the more we see on TV; we can see that America has fallen a bit and fallen under attack.

Let this be your wake up call: no matter where you are or what you're doing; who you are; always pay attention to your surroundings; make sure you're acting appropriately. Be prepared in case something happens close to home; expect it, even if you live out in the middle of nowhere.

I do not say 'live in fear', for that would defeat the purpose. Fight fear; overcome fear. Only then will you do what you need to do when you need to do it. Now is not the time for panic or useless sentimentality. We all feel for the victims in Boston and Cambridge, but now is not the time to mourn, because they were just the beginning and what happens next will draw on the strength and will of every citizen.

We are at war, which should have been obvious since 9/11 and the events that followed; our governments reactions and actions prior to the event. Things don't make sense right now; it's hard to sort through all of the information and come up with a conclusion of what exactly happened and why; who did it and why; when the next attack will come and where. Don't sit and wait for other people to tell you how you should think, but watch and pay attention; keep all of your senses open and think for yourself. Only then will the truth eventually come out.

Untitled: The Life Story of a Writer

Something made me remember a whole bunch of shit I never wanted to remember, yesterday, so this is me getting it out of my system. This is my story: 

You know, some times life is just... It just is. There doesn't seem to be a rhyme or reason to it, so carelessly brought into a world of savage beauty. It can be so many things that defy explanation; ups and downs, etc. Each persons story is different, if only in the slightest of ways; but those slightest of ways can make the world of difference. This is the story of my life and everything I've gone through. I don't seek your approval; I don't seek fame or fortune. I just want to tell my story the best I can and get it out. 

My earliest memory is actually of the second day after I was born, my mom was wheeled out of the emergency room holding me in her arms and I saw my Dad holding my older sister. What I saw distorted and blurry and the sizes of the bodies were all wrong. I have no idea why I remember that or how, but I do. I don't have too many other childhood memories from before I actually became conscious and aware of day-to-day events; just a couple thrown in over the years.

I don't remember my mother and father ever being together. They split up when I was born and went their separate ways. My mother would later tell me it was because my Dad was a sick fuck and violent and drank too much. She told me at a young age how he admitted to her that he had fucked a dog. I have no idea if this is true or not, but it's definitely not something you tell a child. Most of what I remember of my early youth was moving in with my step-dad in his mobile home and having visitations with my Dad, who was in the Air Force at the time and dating my step-mother who he had knocked up at the same time as my mother, when she was pregnant with my older sister. I later learned that the reason he married my mother first was because his mother wouldn't let him marry my step-mom; viewing my mother as the lesser of two evils.

Moving in with my step-dad was. It just was; I have nothing to describe it with because it seemed perfectly natural to me at the time. I didn't know much. In fact, I still don't know much. My step-dad was a great guy; he told my sister and I from the very start that we weren't his kids, we weren't to call him Dad because he already had two kids of his own and didn't need any more; he made sure that we knew that. Not Ever. I'm not sure if he was trying to be reasonable and let us know he wasn't taking the spot of our father, or if he actually meant it the way he said it. It was the start of the abuse, at any rate.

Adults were Gods to us at that time. All-knowing beings. So, if they were mad or mean, there had to be a good reason for it, right? That's what I thought back then. He used to drink Tequila and would get so mean and vindictive and petty. He would let us know that our whole family was shit and that we were shit because we were a part of it. He thrived on putting us down. Him and Mom fought a lot to the point of exchanging physical blows. We did what was natural: we cried. It would get so bad at times that Mom would go out in her car and start to leave and he would come in and tell us that we better go with her to make sure she didn't kill herself; and frightened of the possibility, we did. We would go to our grandparents house for a few days or simply go sit at a park somewhere in the middle of the night and watch Mom balance her checkbook.

What Mom didn't get to see was how we were treated when she was gone at work and we were home alone with our step dad. During those times, we were subjected to his insanity. I understand now that he suffered similarly at the hands of his father and was never able to rise above it, but it still hurts a lot. I looked up to him and wanted to make him proud of me, even though he never wanted to recognize me as his son; I felt like he was my father, cause he was the only father I really knew after my Dad went out of my life for molesting my sister and I. At least my step-dad never laid a hand on us whether sexually or to hit us, though he had to put a lot of restraint into himself for not hitting us some times, I'm sure; but the mental abuse was worse than if we were beaten.

Mom wouldn't believe us, though. She always said she would talk to him and then she would tell us that everything was fine, but it only got worse for a couple days each time, so we just stopped telling her and it kind of killed any relationship I had with my Mother, because there was just nothing to talk about. She was abused in her childhood and continuing to be abused and I was just being abused not knowing any of that and not trusting to tell her because it did no good. No matter how much we begged her to leave him, she never would. What twisted part of our souls yearns for abuse; feels that we deserve it? I don't know, maybe when she talked to him, he apologized to her; maybe he broke down in tears and cried for her and promised her he would change and get better; that he wanted to but it was hard. I don't know. It would have been uncharacteristic of him to do so, but maybe...

By the time School started, I was already problem child. I was hyper and destructive; odd and highly reactive to bullies, which meant that my future was sealed as far as being a bully magnet. The teachers thought I had ADHD and went above my parents head to put me on Ritalin, which didn't help at all. I was never Attention Deficit in any sense of the meaning. I was always the one paying attention to multiple things at once and making it look like I wasn't. I did well in school, always, when I tried. If anything, I think I may have been high-functional autistic. They didn't know how to diagnose it back then and it can be similar to ADHD in many ways. I also may have been a bit bipolar. I really don't know. Nobody cared enough to try to get me the help I actually needed; just stuck me on some pills and shoved me off.

After a while, they noticed the Ritalin wasn't working so well and had me placed on Silert instead, which made me a zombie and was later recalled by the FDA for being an unsafe drug. I was taken off of it by my Dad when I went to visit him in Virginia in second grade. At that time, I was a very violent kid and was visiting the Principals Office at the least 3-4 times a week. My teacher was scared of me. But, I had straight A's because I was made to do all the school work while I was there, something that my Mom and Step Dad never stuck with me on.

Life with Dad wasn't all pleasant. He still drank his gin and scotch and was gone working a lot to provide a place for us to stay in, some times driving over 100 miles a day to go to work. This lasted until he received a letter from my mom. Apparently, when he broke up with my step-mom in Virginia and moved, he failed to tell my mother where we were moving to so she could keep in contact; and she managed to get a hold of him through someone else and threatened him with kidnapping charges if he didn't send me back. About that time, I was being a handful and one day when yelling that I wanted my mom, he decided to send me home. I didn't really want to leave; I loved my Dad; course I didn't really know about the molestations at that point and he was never really an attentive father; just came down hard on me when he needed to and made sure I did good.

Shortly afterwards, he moved back to our state and tried getting visitations again, but my sister had been found with scar tissue inside of her that could have only been caused by rape and it came out that my Dad had done and I had mentioned at that point how he had once showed me what 'semen' was. Mom and Step Dad got custody of us and we were adopted shortly after, but Dad was gone for a long time with a no-contact order placed on him. I didn't see him again until about 3-5 years after that. I think I was 12 or 13 at the time.

I didn't really understand it and somehow got the feeling that he had never wanted me in his life. I came to know differently later, but this feeling stuck with me for the longest time that I had two fathers and neither one wanted me. Kids at school made fun of me and wouldn't be my friends because other people made fun of them for being my friend; so I was outcast and I hung out with other outcasts. I made friends with the disabled kids because I knew my sister had done the same thing when she was in school and I looked up to her.

Keep in mind that I wasn't an innocent and perfect angel throughout this. I did my share of fucked off things. I locked myself in the bathroom at one time and my sister was trying to get me to come out and she asked if I was possessed (we were young at the time and Mom had been teaching us the bible.) I said 'yes' and came out of the bathroom, grabbed a crutch and started beating her with it. She doesn't remember that at all. I tormented our cats and I think I may have ultimately been the one responsible for my cats death, though they said it was some sort of kidney or liver disease that took him, and I felt really bad about that for a long while after I found out; but that was years later. I would put them in the freezer when they misbehaved; to 'chill out'. I would choke them and exert my dominance over them. It's nothing I'm proud of and this is actually the first time I've ever said anything to anyone about it. I just started remembering all of this again out of nowhere and I really wish I hadn't. I don't know why I made myself remember any of this.

I kept acting up in School and just about everywhere I went. I hated my life and began to wish for death. I cried myself to sleep a lot of nights and some times would just sit in the dark, crying and listening to Mom and Step Dad fight and I would feel so helpless about everything. It didn't help that during this same time, I was being babysat by our next door neighbors' kids. Both of them older boys and they would make me do sexual acts to play video games. This happened about the time I was in third grade and I didn't really know any better. I didn't want to do it, but I really wanted to play video games. I knew something was wrong about it, but I didn't know quite what and it took me a while to be able to say anything about it.

When I did talk about it, my Mom and Step Dad had some heated words with our neighbors but nothing was really done about it beyond that. It went this way for a long while. Not the molestations, but the general degradation on a sliding scale. By the time I hit middle school, I had barely any self esteem at all. all shit did was just get worse. I tried fighting back a couple times, but I never won so I stopped fighting back and mostly just wished for death. I was I was still in the 'outcast' crowd, but it wasn't by choice and they didn't really choose to like me either. We were the outcasts, though; we were all we had.

The friends I made outside of school all picked on me a lot and were mean and torturous, including my cousin that I hung out with when visiting with my Grandma and Grandpa. Sometimes they would beat me up for the sheer hell of it. They'd always put me down and pick away at me and I think the only reason I kept hanging out with them was because they allowed me to and I so desperately needed to be accepted somewhere. One of my best friends in school during that time actually tried choking me to death over a minor little annoying thing I was doing. It was my fault; he told me to stop and I kept doing it knowing it was pissing him off; and he was dealing with his own problems. All I could really do was laugh, so I laughed in his face while mine was turning blue and continued laughing even after a teacher came up and tackled him off of me.

I had my head rammed into a lot of things, from brick walls to lockers, for no other reason than because people could do so. I started picking at people at that point in the hope that they would do it really hard just one time and I would get amnesia and not be able to remember anything. No such luck. My Sister ran away from home when she was 15 or 16 and I was 12 or 13. She started staying with friends here and there, popping back and forth until she got a job and a place of her own. My step-dad continued his psycho crap throughout it all, some times being nice and friendly, but mostly just leaving hateful little notes around the house and hounding me incessantly when I was home and Mom wasn't, or couldn't hear.

I started to step between him and Mom when they fought and he started waking me up in the middle of the night to cause an argument and then tell me to get out of his house. I wouldn't ever last long in a fight against him, though it was mostly words a lot of the time. He only shoved me once, and I flew backward from it. He was just vicious no matter how he fought and had a way of knowing what your secret weaknesses were and went right for them to make you cry so you would shut up. After knowing someone for a while, it's a very easy thing to do, and I did it for a time as well, having learned how. I began to escape to my sister's house on weekends from time to time to get away from it all and see my Nephews.

My first Nephew was born when I was in eighth grade and I was very proud of him. I did manage to get a girlfriend that year, as well, but it didn't last even a week because she couldn't put up with all of the harassment she was getting from everyone else. It didn't really help my self-esteem much. I began to be kicked out of school for the first time ever. In Elementary School, they were more tolerant of my actions and just put me in a room in the office or the counselors office, away from the other kids. The Vice Principal took a shine to me, though and did his best to help me out when he could.

When I got into an incident at lunch that I should have been kicked out of school for, I was put into an isolation room for lunch time for a couple months after that. I was allowed to have one person join me if they wanted to, and was lucky enough to have a good friend at the time who did so, which is kind of funny because we met in a class where I was kicking the back of his chair. But then, we were both in the outcast crowd and mostly got along Ok. I can only say so much about Middle School because it was just the same as elementary school, but worse. Same type of stuff happened, but it was amplified because it was a continuation of everything else and kids became a lot more violent. That, and it only lasted two years, thankfully.

In High School, it was really bad for the first two years as things amplified even more. I hadn't cared about doing well in School for quite some time and wasn't pressed to be, so I only did well in classes I liked. Even then, the only reason I didn't get A's in those classes was because I didn't care to do all the work, not because I couldn't do it. I kept getting picked on and kept getting kicked out of school until I eventually got a teacher that hated me and went out of her way to target me out of all the rest of the class. Easy enough, I just stopped going to that class. As a result, I got suspended from school after the fifth day when they managed to catch up to me. I knew it was coming because the class I was skipping was in the middle of the day and I still went to all my other classes. I actually got called into the office on the fourth day and wasn't got to by the time the lunch bell rang, so I went to lunch and continued my day as normal. The next day they were ready to deal with me and I basically got expelled for the rest of the school year. For skipping class. Go figure.

I didn't have many options at the time, having just turned sixteen, so I went to Job Corps. It's a good program, definitely, for anyone age 16-24. It's structured to give you job training and schooling and is government ran. You get paid while being there and you learn how to deal with the reality of society if you have a mind to. I wasn't mentally prepared to to follow it through and it didn't help matters any that I was told as much by my Step Dad before going. I mean, even though it turned out to be true, he could have at least tried to be supportive. I might have done better then instead of having to deal with a stigma while trying to prove him wrong.

I only lasted a month and three weeks there, but I had already managed to get most of my trade training done in Business and Clerical and obtained my G.E.D. They wanted to put me on this center contract thing where if I screwed up again, I would be kicked out, but I knew that I wouldn't be able to stick to it, so I opted to go home. After that, I had the choice of finding work or going back to school. Since I couldn't find work, I decided to make another go at School and attended a challenger school until I could be placed in regular school again, at a grade lower than I should have been. Things did pick up in school kind of after that because the people I went to class with didn't know me and didn't know they should pick on me, and those who used to pick on me had grown up enough to not do it as much and they didn't see me as much; except for my cousin who continued to get worse and he and his friends broke me quite a few times.

I fell into stealing from stores for a while during one of the times I got suspended and did that for a long time. I'd go to the store about every day to steal something; anything. I kept myself in cigarette tobacco and cigars and came across a lot of new books to read amongst other things. I eventually got arrested at a different store for stealing about 6 dollars worth of stuff, which was ironic considering the thousands of dollars I stole from the other store. Only time I've been arrested and I just did not like it, so I've made sure not to have it again and gotten pretty lucky that one my mistakes since hasn't gotten me landed there.

Around that time, my step dad finally got arrested for beating my Mom, thanks to a neighbor making an anonymous call, but he was made to go to Anger Management instead of jail time. He saw a video there of guys who beat their wives to death and it changed him a little. He told my Mom that he had never meant to hurt her, he just wanted her to shut up. He only hit her a time or two after that, but he took it out of us in his other ways, increasing his efforts in mentally screwing with us. I was getting kicked out of the house more and just decided to stay at friends houses for the night or a couple nights and my Mom started having my Sister track me down. My step-dad told her I was running away.

I had my first nervous breakdown at 17 and my step dad just thought I was faking it. I could barely make the call to my sister to have her come and get me because I just couldn't pull myself together. I had lost control of myself and had wrapped my arms around my legs and rocked back and forth with tears rolling out of my eyes like rain from the sky. It is impossible to interact with anyone at that point with any semblance of pride, because you're blubbering like a baby. Not that I had much pride at that point, anyway.

I mean, I've always known I was intelligent and that I had potential, because people always told me that, but I was also always told that I was worthless and would never amount to anything, so I never had the motivation to do anything with it. I had reached the bottom and I knew I was going to die, when and how. I knew that when I was old enough to buy a gun that I would do so and blow my brains out. To me, it was the most painless way I could think of and it seemed quick. Ironically, years later, I found a really good and painless way to commit suicide, but only after I started wanting to live.

School went well enough up until it came to the year I was supposed to graduate. Things were still going much the same at home and with my friends, though it had cooled down a bit at school and with my friends. I knew I wasn't going to do the Senior Project for my School that was necessary to graduate so I withdrew myself at the age of eighteen with the consent of a parent. I thought I could do it without needing parental confirmation because I was eighteen and was kind of upset when I found out otherwise. Sadly, though, it wasn't the first time I was allowed to give up on myself.

I worked odd jobs for a bit after that, here and there and mostly tried to spend all of my waking hours away from home, but it still came down to a head one night at three in the morning. Apparently, I had said something to my step dad's pot dealer that he didn't like and he woke me up to confront me about it, forcing me to give him my key to the house and to get out. At that time, I thought I was homeless and was going to have to live on the streets and I didn't have much of a plan. I think I probably would have despaired at that point and found a way to end it, but Life is funny some times.

The night before, I had managed to track my Dad down on the internet at the community college that one of my friends and his Girlfriend went to and had gotten his address and phone number. I walked around for a couple hours until about six and went over to my friends house to wake him up to hang out. Wasn't the first time for that, either. I was constantly waking him up to hang out over the years and only recently have I learned how annoying that can be. I had also spent a good number of nights trying to sleep in the backseat of his moms car because I'd been kicked out of the house by my step-dad and she always left the car door unlocked. I went around with him job hunting and did despair on that point because I didn't have an address I could put down on an application.

After we got back, I gave my sister a call and told her what was going on and she asked me if I had a plan. I still didn't have one, but I showed her what I had found. I didn't know how she would react, given her history with our Dad, but I don't think I would have had the courage to contact him if She hadn't made the call for me. Only now do I realize that she must have had a way to contact him before, having been in contact with other people who knew where he lived and that she must have passed it up. It makes me appreciate her even more because I know she only endured visiting with him for my sake and probably to try to get closure in her own life.

Getting back in contact with my Dad was a life-changing event. Before then, I had gotten the thought stuck in my head that I had had two Dads in my life, more than most people, and neither one had wanted me. I found out differently the first weekend and also found out I had a little Brother and Sister. My little Sister is only a week older than my oldest nephew and my Brother is three years older than her, the reverse of me and my older sister. By that time, my older sister had four kids, two boys and two girls and I loved them a lot, but I was filled with a love I had never known before then because I had gone from being the youngest child to finding out I had a little brother and sister. I finally understood what it meant to be an older sibling and my respect for my older sister just grew enormously.

I was so happy and the happiness was just so overwhelming and foreign to me that after that first weekend, I had to to sit for a couple hours just to absorb it all and I finally got to understand what people meant by the term 'happy tears'. For once in my life, I was accepted right off the bat and held in high esteem for being the one to track them down on the internet. As I said, it was life-changing and I began to get a whole new outlook on life because of it. But it didn't all happen over night. I had to go back home to my Mom and step dad's house for a week or two after that, but I knew I couldn't stay there. To this day, I would still rather live on the streets than go back to live in that house for any length of time.

After that, it was arranged that I would move in with my Sister and she would put in a good word for me at her work. So it was that I wound up working the morning shift at McDonald's, with her as my manager. We clashed heads a lot because we would push each others buttons and I was still trying to reign in my anger and learn to feel other emotions again. I got laid for the first time, by a co-worker, and I learned what it felt like to be used for sex and when she started playing games with me, I played them back on her. She ended up quitting work because of me on a day when I actually handled a problem like I was supposed to, which I got commended for by the managers who were working at the time. She threw her name-tag in the garbage pail and walked out and I don't think I saw her again after that. I didn't much care, either.

I fought with my sister at work and at home and just about everywhere and it came to a head finally; she just couldn't take it anymore. She was living in a two bedroom apartment with her fiance and her four kids and I was just the seventh person adding stress. If I had got caught staying there, she could have been thrown out. I had been offered a couple months before a place to stay at my Dad's if I wanted it and hadn't taken them up on it because I wanted to make a decent run of things instead of just running to an out. I learned something about myself from fighting with my Sister, though. She did point out to me one time that when I got angry I acted just like our step dad and after a long walk I decided that she was right and I've been working on changing that ever since then.

I got work for a couple weeks at my Dad's house, but I couldn't deal with the different pace of the McDonald's up in their area. It was too stressful for me and I quit to avoid another nervous breakdown, having had a couple more since the first one when I was seventeen. We were a bit out of town and it didn't make it easy to go look for jobs because both my Dad and my Step Mom worked and I used that as an excuse to stay home and hang out with my little brother and Sister more often. I kind of took over my little brothers World of Warcraft account during that time.

After a month or two, though, my Dad and Step Mom broke up after having been together for eleven years. I didn't see it coming and it really tore me up for a while. I decided to stay with my Step Mom while my Dad tried to situate himself so I could help out with watching my little brother and sister and spend time with them. I kept slipping back into depression, though, and I really dropped the ball while watching them one afternoon when I decided to get into my Step Mom's Valium. It was like God wanted to get back at me for all those years I spent wishing I was dead and grabbed my hand, because I only had control over myself for the first pill. I remember taking four more after that, but it was like watching something from a distance that you have no control over.

What I don't remember is the other thirteen Valium that followed after that or the six anti-depressants I took on top of it. I blacked out, so I don't remember much of anything until I woke up in the hospital over a day later. Apparently, my little Brother, who is high-functional autistic, made the call to my step mom to let her know that something was wrong with me, because I was acting all weird. She rushed home and saw the state I was in. I was still conscious at that point, but I wasn't there. I don't remember it at all. She said I swore at her and called her names when she asked me what was going on. She took a look at her pills and saw how many were gone and made the call to the paramedics, who showed up right as my systems started failing.

When I woke up in the hospital, I didn't even know what had happened. I was confused and wanted to get out of there and told them that I would just take the IVs out of my arms and walk out, but I couldn't even move to do it. My Dad and his new girlfriend; who was the sister of my first step-mom and the best friend of the step-mom he had just broken up with; decided that I needed to be placed in a halfway house, so they ditched me there while barely explaining anything to me, which was when my mom and step dad tried acting like parents again and came out and visited once a week or so and called. I let them because I was all alone and scared and confused; though I tried to make the best of it. I knew that they did care about me a lot and just never really knew how to show it. I consider my little Brother a hero. He saved my life and doesn't even know how much that means to me.

I spent two months in that halfway house, where I found God. Actually, I realized that he had been walking along beside me the whole time. I still don't believe in any one religions view of God, but I believe in God. I had to leave, though, because nobody had paid the rent on the second month and I didn't remember being told that I would have to pay it and hadn't been looking for a job. I ended up moving in to my grandparents, where I found work and continued to work on myself. I still hung out with old friends but being picked on was losing its appeal to me. I've moved around a couple times since then, but it's where I hang my coat again at the moment.

I continued to visit my Dad until I got drunk one night while staying over at his house and fondled my 12 year old half-sister. This was.. 4 or 5 years ago. I don't know what I was thinking at the time, but it just sickens me every time I think about it. My Dad and Step-mom dropped me like a sore habit and the Counselor that my half-sister had to go to was forced to alert the authorities about me even no one wanted to press charges. I faced responsibility for it when a Detective came out to ask me questions; I never ran from it. Since then, I've learned why I did it and I've made strides to make sure it would never happen again by fixing parts of my brain that were damaged. The detective was nice and I was honest and he said that most likely nothing would come of it; that even though it seemed like a big deal to me, was nothing major (not to downplay it).

I still run the risk of being swooped up by the DA if he decides to go after me and that's a risk I may run the rest of my life, now. Not worried about it, though; I will serve whatever punishment they give me if they do decide to come after me.

For the most part, even though I haven't been able to find work in the past couple years and have had this huge mental block in place stopping me from doing much of anything for myself and the fact that I have a decent-sized hospital bill to pay along with recurring bouts of depression, my life has been pretty good. I've got a long way to go, but I've made some significant gains in the past 7-8 years. I've learned a lot about life and I'm still under thirty years old. I feel weak at times and defeated, but I'm getting better. Two steps forward, one back. I've learned so much about psychology and people in general just by working on myself and then observing other people for similarities and differences.

I can't really regret my past, though, because it's made me who I am today and I'm stronger and wiser for it. It has defined me in ways that I'm still trying to figure out (though I've come a long way in finding myself and getting to know who I am) and it has made me unique in ways I never really wanted to be. Not that my life has been all bad. I make it seem like that, but there were up-points mixed into it. Times when my step dad and I really got along, times that kept me hoping, but it wasn't enough at the time to counter all the bad. I remember deep philosophical conversations and fishing and a great sense of humor.

I did my best just to hold on and I did. I don't want to think about what would have happened if thing didn't go the way they did; I might have killed myself any number of times. 27 years old and I've survived 19 years of pure and utter torture; taken 8 years since then to work on myself and I still have a long way to go before I'm completely able to deal with depression; but I've made so much progress. I have my confidence back and I've been able to grow a lot, even though I was diagnosed with GERD and Gastritis and still can't really gain a pound. I've had a really bad stress migraine that felt like a blood vessel had popped in my head and I lost about 10-15 lbs in a week that I could ill-afford to lose, being 6'3" and 140 lbs. I dropped down to 121lbs and I don't think I've ever recovered that weight.

I've loved a few times; messed up a lot and so I'm single and alone; which is nothing new, but it does get frustrating at times. I've seen friends move on to better lives; people I went to school with and grew up with start families of their own fresh out of school; seen people I knew become famous, and still here I sit; the outcast loner. I have few friends, and that's the way I like it. The few I have are the few I trust and love. I've struggled with issues of sexuality and gotten them sorted out. I smoke a lot of pot and try to be happy by the end of each day at the very least. What I've learned in life is that happiness is entirely your own responsible; you can't expect anyone else to make you happy; you have to find it and fight for it; you have to literally fight yourself for control of your mind against depression.

I think I'm a little crazy, but who isn't, right? I see so many patterns in the world around me from behavior patterns to world events; I have a habit of seeing through people instead of seeing them. I can see through to their heart and soul and peg them fairly accurately. I'm way too damned intelligent, though and it's fucking me over; I think too damn much that I over-think things and what I think about, nobody really wants to hear or talk about; so it's a fairly lonely existence; but I've found purpose in it. My life has to mean something; my suffering and pain and everything else must be paid for. The only way I can think of to get back at them is to spread as much positivity and hope as I can before I die. I know; usually people seek revenge against the ones that tortured them; but I can understand not only what they went through themselves; but what their parents had to have gone through and their parents parents; I see the trail leading up to them and I've realized that it's nobody's fault; but everyone's to blame, and the madness has to stop somewhere.

It's definitely not easy, though; I'm strong-willed and I'm still not quite over being angry or petty and I tend to say things I shouldn't when I'm trying to be positive and helpful. And, with the world moving ever closer toward what seems to be war on the horizon, It just looks like things are going to get a lot worse before they actually start getting better. Anyway, that's my story up to now. I've missed telling about some things, but you know, it's just more variations of the same. Thank you for taking this ride with me.

Self-Reliance in the Face of Adversity

About 4-5 years ago I said there would be a global civil war in the future, that it would start on American and quickly spread to the rest of the world for a variety of reasons. I openly talked about how corrupted the government was and how it wouldn't be long before more and more people realized it and began waking up and getting pissed off about it. 10-12 years before that I told people that we were heading for a depression in our economy just as bad if not worse than the one earlier in the 1900's.

Over the past year or two, I've talked about Anonymous and their part in everything and how they would go through and embody what we want to fight for. At the same time, I warned people about them because I could see where the end result would lie.

Along with those, I have also accurately predicted meteorites and other natural events that have occurred.

I'm not here to say 'I told you so'. At this point of my life, that's redundant and childish. It doesn't matter who's right or wrong, because I'd rather be wrong at this point to save people from suffering who don't deserve to. And I have been wrong about a lot. Whenever I try to throw minor details into things, I tend to get them wrong.

now, here's where we stand at a crossroad, because even with all of this and other things that prove to people beyond a shadow of a doubt that I'm either psychic or equally as talented in finding patterns in things, they still disbelieve. They still can't believe in the untouchable aspect of the world. They add a notch under coincidence and go about their way.

I should have millions of supporters standing alongside of me right now, believing in my ability to do great things; but that's not important. Jesus himself only had 12 people who believed in him enough to follow him during his life. Hitler had millions, though. People tend to follow not what is right; not what is true; but what is right to their ears; what is true to what they wish to hear.

Now is the time to wake up, because as you've seen recently on the News; we're at war. Things are only going to get worse for a while and they're going to get much worse before they get better. The world is about to enter its ugliest phase ever as truths are had out; lies are dispelled and emotions are driven to new heights on both ends of the spectrum. Peoples will will be tried and tested and each person alive today will see what they're truly made of. Many will die.

I say this not to frighten people or scare them or to sway them to join a revolutionary cause. I say all of this to open your eyes and make you aware of what's about to happen. I say it so you can handle yourself appropriately during that time. It is my belief and hope and that people can weather the coming storm and the entire planet and all upon it can and will be made for it; but it's a choice each person has to make for themselves and it comes with discarding negativity and false emotions to focus on what truly is important in life.

The sad fact is that I know many of you won't. I know that many of you will ignore this message; if you even see it and read this far into it; I know many of you'll misinterpret it to mean something other than what I wanted it to mean. I know that when this all goes down, some of those of you who did read all of this will still be caught by surprise and still won't know what to do.

I can see the suffering of all people in all times of the world and I can see yours, too. I can see so much that it overwhelms at times and drags me back down and this highly empathic nature of mine has made my life worse throughout most of it; made me suffer more than anyone should have to, but I don't regret it because without it I also wouldn't know the joy and happiness that I know and I wouldn't be able to see it in all people and in all times like I do suffering.

suffering drowns it out because people allow it to, they focus on the bad over the good instead of the other way around, because those who taught them did the same. A lot of people who started out life with good teachers have lost their way due to various other interactions in their life; but same too have many lost found their way back and many who had no road of hope at all are able to fight for a glimmer of a dream of a possibility and make it reality.

As much as badness and evil exists in the world and tries to suffocate us in our day-to-day existence; as much as it rides into our thoughts unbidden and subtle; or not so subtle some times; there is just as much good and it shows and affects the people that it touches and it flows from person to person. The fight may go on forever; though it's my belief that it won't; but it's not about winning. It's about not laying down and letting them walk all over you and have their way with the world. It's about not allowing the other side to win.

Those that do read this and do read this far and do believe in me and what I have to say; just remember to keep your heads on straight and your wits about you. History is written by the winners, so lets not let bad things drown out the good and warp and twist them; let's just focus on simple things and no matter what happens, roll with it and deal with it and do what you have to to retain your sense of self and composure; because each and every person will need to rely on themselves for a while longer.

Possibilities

I want you to take a walk with me, as I explain to you the intricacies
Of the world around us, its inanery and everything that should be plain to see
Open your mind and your eyes, prepare to have yourself modified
Are you with me? are you listening? Good, good, let me simplify
We are living in a world, today, that asks you to let others think in your stead
Where free-thinking still has not made it's way into each and every citizen
Millions of people still accept the words of their fellow man without question
And still these same millions denounce blind faith and that their minds are open
But tell me, when it was, that we stopped being able to think for ourselves
Tell me when it was that we decided to let others guide the fate of our world
Was there a committee to decide that instead of informing the people of their indiscretions
That instead of just providing advice, they would decide their lives for them?
Now excuse me for pointing out the obvious here, but If people can't trust themselves with the big decisions
How can they trust another man or woman to make them for 'em?
Blind faith, it's the blind leading the blind and no one has a clue as to what's in front of their faces
No matter how old you are, you still don't know what it is you're doing, no clue at all to the different phases
of the world around you, of the multitude of places except what your told and what you experience
Now this is an exercise I want everyone to perform: Turn off your Televisions, your Radios and put down your Newspapers
Go outside and open your eyes and ears to the world around you, breathe in the fresh air
Make for yourself your own observations and decisions and assumptions about the world around you
Instead of trusting others to decide and observe and inform you
Not everyone has your best intentions in mind, and a lot of people in this world have let greed consume them
Too willing to step all over others in their power-driven struggle, the ultimate reward being fame or fortune
People will lie to you, tell you something that isn't true, delude you with illusions of a world designed to suit you
But in the end, it's all just a lie, and those without open hearts or open minds will fall into the trap of the multitude
Freedom does not exist, you are not free in this world of luxury and technology
But instead a captive in a jail that has no bars or walls, a cell of Bureaucratic creativity
To steal from you the very freedoms originally intended, through written words of legalized documents
A body of men and women fighting a war on paper, with pens, so complex as to confuse the minds of ordinary citizens
So you see why it's important to exercise freedom of the mind, to think for yourself and scrutinize
The word of your fellow men and women, to choose to believe or not believe what they inform you of
And to make your own decisions on what's important in your life, to not become the victim of this supposed freedom
It is important that you all rationalize, take it all in and prioritize, open your minds and eyes
Take not the words of your fellow man on blind faith alone, be wary of the advice given for free;
Explore all possibilities

The Savage Garden

the garden is no longer passive
it's gone from savant to savage
a breeding ground for hateful messages
spread through words and action
from person to person
anger raging in every direction
Sorrow and pain reigning supreme
making nightmares out of fancy dreams
in the darkness someone screams
cries echo around, indescribable is the sound
of another person beat up and dragged down
by the suffocating swell of societal clowns
~
Who are we; what have we become
so lost and confused amid the swell
of fallen angels and rising demons
deranged and trying to rise above
the twisted thoughts of
I don't even know where to begin
~
Is it hard to see the light?
so drowned out by the black of night
Is it hard to find hope and love?
Are you searching up above?
Look to the invisible
look to yourself, the undefinable
Part that seeks to lift you up
to give you air to breathe
before you suffocate and cease
to be what you want to be
and become another beast
in this sea of savage hate disease
~
Who are we; what have we become
so lost and confused amid the swell
of fallen angels and rising demons
deranged and trying to rise above
the twisted thoughts of
Life; and death sweetly beckons
~
What's worth it and what isn't?
so easy to see the bad emotions
you gotta look for the best
push through to the joy and discard the rest
cause happiness is your own design
you're 110% responsible for your own mind
you can't rely on anyone to pull you out
to pick you up and set you down
back on your feet on solid ground
That's all you, and it's up to you
to decide the motions that you suffer through
nobody can find the light of love inside of you
that's something that only you can do.
~
Who are we; what have we become
so lost and confused amid the swell
of fallen angels and rising demons
deranged and trying to find our way back
to simple times that have since been
lost to memory, and the only way out
isn't back, but to continue on
And find ourselves along the way

How to be Prepared (In light of Boston Explosions)

here's something productive that everyone can do in light of recent events and events in motion that have yet to reach completion. Stock up on resources; don't panic and buy shit you can't use; you need non-perishable food, like canned foods; get fruits and veggies and everything the body needs. Start putting together emergency kits for you and your family/friends in case you need to go quickly from where you are. Simple little backpacks with snacks and clothing, etc.

Be reasonable and pack only what you need. Luxuries will have to be discarded if worse goes to worst. Have matches handy, in a baggy so they can't get wet; cell phone batteries and steel wool are also handy for starting fires. Have something on hand you can use as a weapon if need be. Concealable but easy and quick to pull out and use. Hatchets are great all around because they can also be used to obtain firewood in case you need to rough it a few nights or more. Tents and sleeping bags, etc. are all necessities. Make sure you have enough medication on hand to last you a few months if you can and always have that much on hand; if you have to take any medication. The last thing you need is to have something happen that cuts you off from your medication for an extended period of time.

be prepared for the worst, but hope for the best. make escape routes out of your house and neighborhood and city; shortest distance, what's likely to go under attack if it does go under attack, etc. Plan your every move, but leave your plans open enough to account for the unaccountable. Leave them flexible instead of rigid.

Things are getting scary, but if you let fear run your mind, you'll wind up in worse danger than if you just act. There may not be much time for fear, so you'll have to move through that stage quickly and on to responsibility.

In the Beginning...

IN THE BEGINNING there was nothingness upon the deep, no stars or suns; no planets or universes.
Light existed in great abundance, beyond the ability of mortals to fathom the size and dimensions thereof. So, too, existed darkness.
The two existed in harmony for eons upon eons, though time had yet to be measured at that point.
Eventually the two developed consciousness. For a while, things went well; the light and darkness were friendly toward each other and helped each other out as they became used to being self aware.
While Light continued to do well, dark began to slip into fitful fancies and the two began to fight.
During one such fight, the fabric of everything around them and they themselves became torn apart and from that tear stemmed all life as we know it.
Scientists have theorized that this was the Big Bang; Religions stake their claim that this was God and the Devil. While both adequate descriptions, they do little justice to the truth.
These were not Gods, though they are immortal. They are not perfect beings, though some times they seem as such when viewed with mortal eyes. They had no real knowledge of mortal or even material beings until quite some time after they accidentally created all of what we know.
In fact, what we know isn't even what we think it is. This is the third or fourth or fifth reincarnation of everything we know. When Light and Darkness fought and torn a hole in everything, they created a chain of events that is doomed to repeat itself every so many eons. All universes exploded outward of countless sources and they continue to spread outward at the same time as being drawn back into those sources.
Upon the accumulation of everything drawn back into the sources; known as black holes; the black holes then begin to combine to create a semblance of the world that Light and Darkness existed in before the tear and once they gain enough mass within them; explode outward again.
But this does not repeat life forms, just restarts life in general. There is no guarantee that we will live again when everything comes round again. We already live alongside of countless alternate realities where all of our choices are mapped out.
Light and Darkness continued to fight even with the destruction of the cosmos reigning down upon them, until one of them realized that life was growing on the little rocks that were shooting through space and through them.
They fought battles over these lives. Some times Light would win and they would be saved and some times dark would win and the people would lose; but all over they continued to cause destruction until finally Light turned to Dark and called for a truce to declare conditions for a game they could play for the rest of eternity in lieu of trying to destroy what simply could not be destroyed. They would make bets and play games of subtlety with the lives of mortals.
This appealed to darkness because it could then spread dark thoughts and animosity through people over time and slowly and torturously tear apart everything they knew and drag down the best of them all and leave them as nothing. Light knew that while they played the game, there was chance to save more lives than by simply fighting. Light could understand things that Dark could not and vice versa. Whereas outright fighting destroyed nearly 75% of all life that existed, Light could save at least 50% of life by engaging Darkness in the game. Over time, they've only gotten better at their respective roles.

Ignorance of Ignorance: The Art of Ignoring

You can only ignore what goes on around you for so long before you'll be forced to do something about it. The only thing that evil needs to triumph is for good men and women to sit back and do nothing whatsoever. A time will be upon us soon where such luxury is not afforded. You can either begin preparing for it now, or be caught by surprise when it hits.

I'll continue to stand on my own and continue to spit out what appears to be nonsense, without anyone seemingly being supportive of the messages I've been taking the time to write up and type up. I mean, I hate to brag and be egotistic, but some of the shit I've been saying is downright brilliant and there's no reason why people shouldn't at least like part of it, or want to discuss it.

It makes me feel lonely, because people just don't care and they don't want to fight to care. Obviously I'm not talking about everyone; I'm speaking in loose and generalized terms that apply to most people, but not all. It's just ridiculous that every day, I see stupid picture after stupid picture; some of them saying nice messages, sure, but nothing truly remarkable. Or, they sit there and repost links other people have made and most of those links are stupid as hell.

Why is it that people love to replicate stupidity and laziness and generic art instead of acknowledging that which is truly unique and intelligent and has something to say? If you like it, say something; otherwise the person making it might not realize that people fucking like it and will just give up, because it's like 'whats the point.'

Obviously I'm not going to just give up because this actually is an important thing I've been harping on lately. We need to eradicate ignorance and negativity and make this world a better place because we are sliding toward a few metaphorical cliffs that aren't any less dangerous for the fact that they're metaphorical. But the point stands that more people should be liking what I've got to say and should be getting on board with it and becoming enthusiastic about it.

WAKE UP, PEOPLE. Why do you make so many good people feel so unappreciated? Why do you ignore what goes on around you? Why do you not fight for goodness to have its place in this world? Why do you live in fear and do absolutely nothing productive about it? Why do you continually allow only one person at a time to take on a multitude of enemy sources without stepping up to support them? Why do you always turn your head to avoid looking at the problems, too proud to face your own shame?

So arrogant and egotistic; every human thinks they know best and they choose not to listen to people who sound crazy while listening to people who sound sane but are actually crazy and adept at hiding it. Every human being is insane. Can we please actually take a step back toward sanity and do something about the current mess the world is in? We all have the power, but you're all too chicken shit to step up and act as one; to do what is necessary.

Same types of problems; same types of people; the only thing that changes is time and technology. WAKE THE FUCK UP.

Don't Forget

Humans are prone to forgetfulness. In the course of your day, you probably forget more than you actually remember. Trains of thought that get interrupted and never returned to, peoples names, faces, etc. Countless little details and memories and half-told stories.

For anything to actually stick in your day to day life and become a part of it, you have to force yourself to remember it, especially if it doesn't come easily. When you're pre-dispositioned to a negative lifestyle, for example, it could become very hard (depending on how many years and the intensity of it) to break free of it and return to a positive lifestyle.

In fact, a person might never break free of it and might carry the burden around with them for the rest of their days, taking it out on others simply because they don't know any different or can't remember. They have to be shown it and they have to seek it out themselves and they have to remember it from day to day, throughout the day.

Take smoking cigarettes, for example. When you first started smoking (if you're a smoker) you probably never smoked more than 10 cigarettes a day, if that. Years go by and you're suddenly up to a pack to two packs a day and it's a lot harder to quit.

It is the constant reinforcement of the positive; the constant reinforcement of what you wish to achieve; the constant and unyielding will to hold on until you remember, no matter how long it takes. Over time, through remembering on your own, you start remembering more frequently and it begins to take hold in your daily life. You don't have to put so much effort into it any more.

The problem is that all of these things come in varying forms from very subtle to in-your-face and you have to be able to recognize the tricks of the bad habit in all their forms, and to deny them room to move. That's something nobody can teach you to do, but you can be warned so you can look for yourself to catch and find them.

Never limit your mind in this regard; never tell it it can't do something; just keep at it, through everything, even when you can do nothing but hold on and even that seems dubious; hold the fuck on and do not budge. When you get knocked down, stand back up; keep moving and keep pushing for your goal at your own pace; rest when you need to, back off or speed up as needed. Some times less is more when dealing with subtle tricks of bad habits.

Don't be afraid of tricking your mind, either. Placebos and nocebos have been used for ages on people for amazing results. The power of your own mind, even over itself, is fantastic.

I honestly advise people to try psychedelics at least once or twice in their lifetimes; when they're ready and open to having a pleasurable experience (never do them if you can't be in a good mood.); because they can really open your mind up and teach you a few tricks about it if you're paying attention.

Anything that you want to overcome can be overcome by searching inside of yourself and learning more about yourself. Once you know who you are and what you will do in any given situation, the rest falls in to place on its own.

Genesis Chapter 4

And Adam knew Eve his wife; and she conceived, and bare Cain, and said, I have gotten a man from the Lord. And she again bare his brother Abel. And Abel was a keeper of sheep, but Cain was a tiller of the ground. And in process of time it came to pass, that Cain brought of the fruit of the ground an offering unto the Lord. And Abel, he also brought of the firstlings of his flock and of the fat thereof. And the Lord had respect unto Abel and to his offering^, But unto Cain and to his offering he had not respect. And Cain was very wroth, and his countenance fell. And the Lord said unto Cain, Why art thou wroth? and why is thy countenance fallen? If thou doest well, shalt thou not be accepted? and if thou doest not well, sin lieth at the door. And unto thee shall be his desire, and thou shalt rule over him. And Cain talked with Abel his brother: and it came to pass, when they were in the field, that Cain rose up against Abel his brother, and slew him. And the Lord said unto Cain, Where is Abel thy brother? And he said, I know not: Am I my brother's keeper? And he said, What hast thou done? the voice of thy brother's blood crieth unto me from the ground. And now art thou cursed from the earth, which hath opened her mouth to receive thy brother's blood from thy hand; When thou tillest the ground, it shall not henceforth yield unto thee her strength; a fugitive and a vagabond shalt thou be in the earth^. And Cain said unto the Lord, My punishment is greater than I can bear.
Behold, thou hast driven me out this day from the face of the earth; and from thy face shall I be hid; and I shall be a fugitive and a vagabond in the earth; and it shall come to pass, that every one that findeth me shall slay me. And the Lord said unto him, Therefore whosoever slayeth Cain, vengeance shall be taken on him sevenfold. And the Lord set a mark upon Cain, lest any finding him should kill him. And Cain went out from the presence of the Lord, and dwelt in the land of Nod, on the east of Eden.
 
¹⁷ And Cain knew his wife; and she conceived, and bare Enoch: and he builded a city, and called the name of the city, after the name of his son, Enoch.
¹⁸ And unto Enoch was born Irad: and Irad begat Mehujael: and Mehujael begat Methusael: and Methusael begat Lamech.
¹⁹ And Lamech took unto him two wives: the name of the one was Adah, and the name of the other Zillah.
²⁰ And Adah bare Jabal: he was the father of such as dwell in tents, and of such as have cattle.
²¹ And his brother's name was Jubal: he was the father of all such as handle the harp and organ.
²² And Zillah, she also bare Tubalcain, an instructer of every artificer in brass and iron: and the sister of Tubalcain was Naamah.
²³ And Lamech said unto his wives, Adah and Zillah, Hear my voice; ye wives of Lamech, hearken unto my speech: for I have slain a man to my wounding, and a young man to my hurt.
²⁴ If Cain shall be avenged sevenfold, truly Lamech seventy and sevenfold.
²⁵ And Adam knew his wife again; and she bare a son, and called his name Seth: For God, said she, hath appointed me another seed instead of Abel, whom Cain slew.
²⁶ And to Seth, to him also there was born a son; and he called his name Enos: then began men to call upon the name of the Lord.

-------------

Lot of begetting there. The important part of this passage is that Cain killed Abel. Not just the fact that he killed Abel, but the reason behind why he killed Abel. It was base greed; his brother got recognition for his efforts because he truly put effort in and excelled; while he brother Cain wanted to do well, but failed to put the appropriate effort into doing so and was shamed when he did not receive recognition for his efforts. Instead of dealing with that shame in a constructive manner and trying to do better, he began to resent his brother Abel, like it was Abel's fault that he was the way he was.

Of course, this negative mode of thinking had to have been introduced to Cain by Adam and/or Eve during his growth. Why Abel didn't become like that as well is a question for modern psychology dealing with multiple children and their reactions to the family and the surrounding emotional vibrations. From pecking order among the other children to who they choose to exemplify and how their personality is shaped. Cain was just more susceptible to negativity.

This also shows that while Adam and his family were thrown out of Eden; their creator hadn't lost interest in them and was paying attention to what was going on, though perhaps, in this instance, it was probably more a matter of relating their conscience to God and when they questioned themselves for it, pronounced judgment and punishment upon themselves, as humans are wont to do after a fashion.

What's interesting to note, though; is that it becomes punishable to kill the killer. It is not just wrong to kill; for that life which you take holds meaning and the slaying of it without cause is the worst of sins; but to kill the killer and deprive them of the lesson they were meant to learn from the pain and everything else wrapped into killing a human being; and the lesson that others around them are meant to learn from it; that is punishable, too.



Question: Should I continue in the way I've been going, without the numbering? Or should I leave the numbering in from now on like I did for the last half of the chapter?

The Coming Tide

The world has begun to sour

Winter winds have begun to flower

An ice age in the making

Humanity at point-breaking

Shadows dancing upon my wall

Creating silhouettes in the throes of battle

My diplomacy spent upon the norm

And the ignorant begin to look like worms

The antichrist is here; the devil

and here comes the falling anvil

Man is poisoning the land

Destroying it, just because he can

And in my stinted sanity

It seems the perfect cure for all humanity

I want to rid the world of all stupidity

The world will end;

Nobody really repents,

even though their guilt is evident

In the beginning, there was God

Or so we in our youth were taught

In the end; ultimately; man shapes his own destiny

Nostradamus predicted I would come

And the Bible said I'd come again

So fall in love with me and follow my voice

No less a martyr; you have a choice

Like the pied piper I am, but not hollow

Leading only those that choose to follow

And people ask why God has forsaken

When they never looked to find him

To do good, some times you wear black

And the sky becomes a lightninged crack

The trees igniting under fired blasts

winter snow falling quick and fast

Wake up and realize the days are numbered

My coming the signal to tear the world asunder

Lucifer is dancing upon your grave

Who to stand up to him but the brave

Souls vanquished upon contact

A fallen angel with wings turned black

I am the blood-stained Christ

In me is not found avarice

This is my second coming

a hymn of battle will I be humming

A crown of thorns and scars from the whip

Branding my soul of souls from tip to tip.

No longer the peaceful figure up on the cross

I am God incarnate, in the flesh

And in the background you can hear Him weep

For those He cannot save; cannot keep

Weeping for the suffering He can't deny

And all the Angels around Him cry

It's all just a dream we have

Every night, a nightmare bad

And then we come awake

To find the nightmare has taken place

Too many sins in a world bent on Utopia

Somebody has to bring an end first to this Fucktopia

This is our reality, our seeming density

Smelling of the scent of death and decay intensity

And it becomes a lie

All we ever live for; we die

And nothingness hangs by our side

Fall in love and follow my voice

As I reach out to give the world another choice

Wake up and face reality

Wake up to the density; combined intensity

Of millions of humans alive with chaotic tendencies

Repent and pray to be made better

Or be lost amid the coming tide that tears asunder

The power of the voice that cracks with thunder

tens of thousands of years of human existence and our species has moved from acting like children to acting like teenagers; on the verge of hitting the mile-mark of adulthood and responsibility. Of course, that 'verge' in the corresponding context of human aging terms applied to tens of thousands of years could very well take 100's of years to complete.

But that's not accounting for human nature and events already in motion. The majority has dictated terms for ages and the majority of people have always been childish in character and unwilling to shoulder responsibilities they should so long as they're able to blame others who do when the decisions turn out poorly.

We may have made staggering changes since the Dark Ages, but basics remain the same. People are getting bored, and worse yet, many people aren't getting bored but are getting thrown into desperate situations that cause them to act out in ways that they shouldn't. The people in charge react in ways that they shouldn't and the combining mixture of those two things with the boredom of most becomes very volatile, because those bored people awaiting any adventure to come their way have finally found a cause they can fight for; and fight they shall.

I believe that within the next ten to twenty years, the world will become witness to a global civil war. Some would call it a civil war and some would call it a world war; it would stem in different countries at different times, but would converge to encompass everything, so both would be right, but limited in their ability to correctly sum up events. Global Civil War; as human fights human for freedom at the same time protecting themselves from other attack.

On top of that, we're moving into a season of extreme disasters that could last anywhere from 10's to 100's of years; caused not by global warming but by changing atmospheric conditions due to passing space rocks; those passing through our atmosphere and out AND those that actually hit; along with the fact that our moon has an oval axis of revolutions around our planet; creating a shift in tides that is unnoticed too normal observation over a period of years; but able to be observed over the passing of 1000's of years.

All of this is causing polar ice caps to shift and more, which in turn is causing flooding, earthquakes, etc. as large plates shift and more are created.

This war; mixed with the accumulating need for survival against both elements and each other; will catapult mankinds accumulative consciousness the rest of the way it needs to start accepting the actual terms of life instead of attempting to dictate our own. I believe that all of these events combined will be the wake up call that our species needs to pull head from ass and realize quite a few things that our species as a whole needs to realize.

And, once we get that information spread out to their children and their childrens children, then the future of our planet becomes so much brighter. Instead of passing along bad habits and horrible negativity; people would be able to pass along the right traits of strength and confidence and compassion; honor and justice and love; much more readily. I believe that the next 10-20 years will define not just our own species and planet; but quite a bit more as well; stuff that we can only fail to understand being so limited in what we perceive.