Let it be known of the mortal realm that it is neither the realm of the almighty nor the realm of sheoul, of lost souls; but the realm that rests between and in the middle of those two realms. As such, no mortal creature shall ever rise to the triumphant heights of angelic beings, nor will they be lowered unto the demons of the Hell, though they may come close in either direction they choose to pursue.

The land of the mortal creatures is a realm of balance and measure, where the end result is unimportant and the journey is all that matters. Until such a time comes to pass wherein all mortal creatures recognize the importance of each other and learn to work in harmony, such extremes will occur that give cause to fight and squander lives. Until each mortal that is tasked with responsibility reaches out to grasp and until each Mortal learns of the balance that must be found between good and evil within themselves, there will be much tragedy and bloodshed and suffering.

For truly, the pursuit of peace and happiness is divine and the pursuit against is divine in its own right as an opposing mirror image and truly no mortal being will ever truly come to differentiate between the two in every situation. Mortals will come that are seemingly evil, but are truly noble and surely some will come that seem noble that are truly evil and to any bystander caught in the middle of these struggles, neither side will be obvious for the perceptions of those viewing will be their own and the perceptions of those fighting will be their own.

Surely, also, true wrong and right can not be discerned by mortals governed by perspective; only those who return to true enlightenment shall see it in its entirety and recognize the futile strains of recursive thought and action that other mortals so keenly thrust themselves toward. To ascend past all perspective is the true divine nature of mankind, for it is their lot to do so and their responsibility to care for and tend to all other matters of their homes; orbs of dirt and sky that float serenely through the heavens; from the biggest animals to the smallest insects to the plants that cover all of their home.

And brother will fight brother and sister will fight sister and they will all fight each other, as is according to their nature, however they will see the true meaning of that fighting in time and will seek to remain true to each other regardless of their personal tribulations. And thus will true peace spread throughout their home; not by the eradication of all that is viewed to be evil, but through the acceptance and allowance of such; for balance is the way of their existence and balance between the heavenly and the lost most of all; so they may better traverse the all-encompassing tribulations of their mortal plane.

But such a balance will not be attained without its own tragedy and suffering through tribulation. For surely, to save the mortal plane and its inhabitants, it must surely come close to destruction, first; for that is the miracle of life and the cycle of death and rebirth. It is the lot of these mortal creatures to solve the problems that we can not for they are of flesh and blood and spirit and we are merely spirits without bodies, awaiting our chance to join our brethren and communicating feebly to them through subconscious avenues of thought our wisdom to combine with their experiences.

For no true miracle came by itself, but through tragedy and through perseverance and no creature, mortal or other, has ever learned true knowledge or wisdom without a small death and a rebirth of thought. So, too, no spirit grows without first being born and living and then dying and returning to their spiritual world; only to repeat the cycle.

Think not of Hell as you have been told to think of it, but instead view it as a healing place for the souls who were damaged by their journey to the middle realm. A place to recover and relearn who they are for having been made to forget through extreme force. That is another cycle of death and rebirth all its own and some are so broken as to be beyond repair and stew and stir in their dark thoughts throughout the long millenia.

Many times in the past has mankind been thrust through cycles of death and rebirth to reach the current age of the world. Each passing of the cycle brings us closer and closer to this 'balance' that we must find. For ages, now, many who have been lost have fought against the completion of this cycle and this pattern, pushing it to a head. So much so that ancient prophecy must be revisited; dusted and taken off the shelf; and scientists must come together to determine the extent of damages to come based on varying factors of natural disasters long overdue by their own reckoning.

So, too, will philosophers and others come together to theorize and discuss the changing nature of the world and many will rise to fight against it even more, for they know that with its coming, everything they have indulged in and loved will be at an end and instead of accepting the ending of such with dignity and good will, they feel empty and hollow, as that is the nature of sin and excess: to always enter, but never fill and when it is gone, to leave you feeling emptier than before.

IN their struggles, they shall bring about the end of their current age and the beginning of the next with increasing speed so that what has built up over long centuries and millenia will release and unfold and be done with in the passing of a few years. Forget what you have known and been taught, for you have been lied to and deceived by your fellow man in their pursuit and thirst for power over this middle world, where power was always intended to falter and fall short.

For no man shall have dominion over another and no man shall take advantage of another overly often without it ruining them and dragging them from enlightenment. Thus, power shall always corrupt the unworthy of power and shall always favor those who are worthy, and very few mortals will be found that are worthy of such power; for even the Great King Solomon the Wise was eventually dragged down and conquered by his own power.

Instead, each man shall be as equal to each man, and each woman, too; and each animal and plant. Respect will be given and received equally and thanks will be given when any life must be taken to provide sustenance for another. They will learn of war and peace in the same breath and stay ever optimistic while preparing for the worst; for as long this mortal realm exists in the middle of the other two, so too shall there always exist those who have no good thought in store for their neighbor.

And no man has right to judge another, for are not the mistakes of one man the mistakes of every man? For surely one mans mistake is the mistake of many others that turn up their noses; or many have made mistakes of similar magnitude and turn up their noses. Judge not lest ye be judged yourself and attack not lest ye be willing to face the heat and truth of the attack returned against yourself. For, if you can not abide the heat of the flames, it is not wise to stand inside the fire.

Every man has the right to defend himself, but to do so adequately and with no more force than is absolutely necessary. Wisdom and compassion; patience and understanding. All must be used in every aspect of life, even while under attack by another, for the attack itself may not be right or wrong, good or evil and each person involved may not be any of those things, but some confused mixture that strikes against each other without thought or reason.

So when you fall under attack, consider the person attacking and for what reason. Stick to truth, even if it does not favor you, for truth shall lead to the balance that is necessary for the middle realm to exist. Truth that all things are necessary in the correct time and place, even killing another being. So, too, must it be that these mortal creatures toil and tend to their home and waste not time overly much in luxury, though luxury should be allowed. Responsibility must come and then luxury, such should be the priority of all mortal creatures.

So, too, must time be made for thought and for meditation which will further thought and allow these mortal creatures to understand their place in the grand scheme of things. Systems have been designed to prevent people from thinking and meditating; forces people to act unnaturally and toward a cycle of abuse and slavery that is not beneficial to the rest. Such systems will in time destroy themselves or be destroyed by the people, so fear not and do not wonder overly often if it is your duty to participate in such fighting.

If it were your duty, you would be doing it; it would be as instinct for you and opportunity after opportunity would be there waiting. Concern yourself more with thought and meditation and honest work, for those are the virtues needed when the fighting is done and peace is called upon once more.

The meaning of life is simply to live and the ultimate goal is to find balance, both in yourself and with nature and with all other things; so, too, is the goal of every mortal creature, especially those with abilities beyond that of other mortal creatures and especially those mortal creatures who view themselves to be above and superior to all other mortal creatures; for their arrogance and vanity is nothing more than self-delusion and insecurity and if they truly wished to prove their superiority, they would push more toward finding that balance and equality for all things, including things that can not speak or communicate.

Intricately we are bound together through a series and system of events and circumstances that brings us together at the same time as dividing us and making us stumble through the darkness; the better with which to find the light and the better with which to see the way and the better with which to be awed by the majesty of light once we find our way back out and sit blinking in the changed environ.

On Peace

People are not at peace with themselves; how they can be at peace with the world around them? People run from the small things; how can they stop and fight against the big? People attack each other and destroy themselves; how can they recognize the true enemy or ever hope to defeat it?

There is balance to be found in every soul, between good and evil, right and wrong. It's making peace with your monster and making peace with the fact that you can't change the world on your own. You can be as ripples in the great ocean, but nothing more. There is peace to be fought for in our own minds before we ever begin to fight for it outside of our selves.

Until we find that inner peace; until the majority of us finds it; we will not find peace throughout our world. The confidence to make decisions without doubting them only to doubt them later when the heat is off; the knowledge of what you're capable of and the personal choice to rise above. The thirst for knowledge and learning as much as you can at the same time as knowing the impossibility of knowing everything.

Only when such balance can be found will true enlightenment begin and pain & suffering are merely tools toward this end, neither bad nor good, but remaining in a stage where your individual choice determines the result. There are no beginnings or endings, only middles and continuations, so do not wait for the ending of something or the beginning of something, but instead act as if it is already in progress; for it is already in progress.

Literally and figuratively; even metaphorically; sick and tired.

Alright, so this is where I'm at: sick and tired of seeing stupid bullshit. People too caught up with hating each other or specific groups of people that they miss the point of everything going on in the world. I see non-religious people hating on religions; I see drivers hating on bike riders; I see so many people hating on each other. Just continued hate, black and white; one side has to be right while the other has to be wrong.

The ignorance is over-whelming, to be honest. Makes me want to go through and delete my Facebook account, go through and take a sledgehammer to my computer and just try to break this addiction that has consumed my life for the past 12 years. To think that I, at one point, wanted to be connected with everything.

Here's the bottom line: it's not the groups of people that you hate. It's the individuals within the group. Take religion for example: did you know that most of them are harmless and keep to themselves? Yeah, any fucking religion. Did you know that it's been the charisma and leadership of a few individuals that has caused the amount of harm that has been caused? Yeah, not the big group that you motherfuckers think it is, no. They, like everyone else, are sheep that like to follow. There's very few people with actual backbone that are worth a damn in this world; with intelligence alongside their confidence; Wisdom to compliment their... baser natures.

You want to blame religions like current revolutionaries want to blame Governments. Yeah, certain people throughout history have corrupted governments; just the same as certain people throughout history have corrupted religions. What you forget is that when these things worked great, they worked fantastically great. If it wasn't for the complacent and apathetic nature of most of the 'sheep' in the world, none of the bad things would have ever happened. But no, they wanted to be selfish and just live their fucking lives; just the same as you want to be selfish and just live your fucking life while hating on people for no other reason than because you have hate stirring in your soul.

Not all people are to blame just because you think they should be. Not all people are the problem. Groups of people are not the problem. Attacking bike riders because they don't follow the rules of the road while complaining about cars' pollution; you're focusing on a very niche part of the overall group and blaming the entire group, because there are a shit ton of bike riders out there who do follow the rules of the road; and cars do pollute.

Another one that gets me is the people who don't want to acknowledge that animals have personality and emotions just the same as humans do. They want to sit there and state that the animals would not show signs of this without humans, but how the fuck would they know? Every time a human observes an animal... Do I really need to spell this out? We were wild once, too. Cavemen. We learned how to be nice and get along with each other and animals are no different. They do have the same range of personalities and emotions and a life time of being around animals such as cats and dogs and lizards and rats and mice has shown me nothing else. In fact, it is shown throughout the animal kingdom just how much like man animals actually are. You know what their one differing trait is? They can't speak and most of them don't have opposable thumbs. Automatically assumed that they're just dumb animals, like the 'savages' that 'civilized society' has wiped out countless times throughout history out of fear and lack of understanding.

Further yet, those damn animal-hugging nuts that scream up and down that meat is murder and that nobody should eat meat because we go through and massacre them. Look at the plants that you eat, bitches. How is that any different? Oh wait, the blood is green instead of red and plants can't fucking scream in your face as you kill them, can they? A life is a life, you fucking retarded motherfuckers. It's just as much 'murder' as any meat that people kill. While that sinks into your thick ass skulls, consider the fact that murder is a necessary part of life. We must kill something to live. Well, except for those nut-cases who believe they can absorb nutrients from the sun, but that's unproven, isn't it? Either make friends with the killing nature inside of you and be thankful for the life that gave itself up so you can live or just stop eating entirely. Either way, shut your fucking mouths if you're just going to hate on people who eat meat for the sole reason that they eat meat. Now, if you wanted to focus on the more horrific practices of what we do leading up to eating the meat, be my guest. People are sick fuckers. Not all, but enough to make a huge difference, and there's varying shades of it.

People in general are varying shades of bad and good, right and wrong. There is no clear answer and people sit there like judgmental bitches when they're not any better than those they judge. Here we are looking for clear answers; has to be one or the other, no in between or compromise, and the answer is that there is more than just the one or the other; multiple various facets to everything, there is more than just right and wrong. There is love and understanding and a world of difference between this world we live in and the world we want to live in.

You want to be a part of the future of this world? Learn to actually think and be aware of these things in your day to day. This is the type of thinking that will inevitably win out, over all others. We're going to stamp out ignorance bit by fucking bit until we're all just this big brotherhood of man and animal that looks out for one another and helps each other out in life instead of trying to do out-do or distance ourselves from our own natures. We are beholden to this planet that gave us life and here we sit trying to destroy it to prove that we know more than nature, that we can do it just as good if not better; all because we're afraid of the things we know because there's no answer as to how we know them. That's the divide between science and spirituality. Science is nothing more than the attempt to prove and rationalize the things that spiritualists have already known and been doing for countless ages of the world.

And the bitch-made part of it is that I know the truly ignorant among the people will not read this and will definitely not admit to reading this. In fact, this fall into the tl;dr category, because people just don't want to face these truths. Well fuck you, you spineless cowards that hide from the truth behind your ignorant bullshit so you can try to sleep better at night; avoiding your own downfalls and problems, blaming them on others and hating others just because. This will realistically only circulate around the people who are already open-minded and calm. People who would find it natural to feel guilt about this and to ALLOW themselves to feel guilt.

Either we can conquer this divide or we can continue in strains of insanity that humankind has continued in for far too long already, listening to entirely the wrong people; feeding into entirely the wrong modes of thinking. That's what it boils down to. Either break the cycle of continue being a part of it. As it stands, I'm sick and tired of seeing the bullshit that gets posted half the time without any thought whatsoever. It's fucking ridiculously ignorant and ugly. Disgusting. Everyone has an opinion and they all stink. It's time to look beyond opinions and bullshit and look at the actual facts of the world we live in. Never mind the distractions and the hate and negativity. Actually look at things. Actually look at yourselves, instead of perpetuating these bullshit and ignorant beliefs.

The Ant and the Grasshopper

I bet a lot of you watched 'A Bug's Life' at least once. I watched it while growing up, as I'm sure a fair amount of you did as well. Some of you have kids who have seen it.

I also bet that a lot of you remember the story that preceded that movie; the basis of it. The hardworking ant does so much work to provide for the colony all year round and the lazy grasshopper who did no work was unprepared and expected the ant to take care of it.

In 'A Bug's Life', we cheered for the ants and applauded Flik's courage. We booed the grasshopper who only sought to use the ants and have them put in hard work all for their own benefit while the ants suffered.

We are the ants. We work hard all year round to provide for ourselves and our families; those of us who can work. The grasshoppers at the top of the chain keep telling us it's not enough; they just can't support us in this time of need, yet we have worked hard to support them and promote them in this hierarchy of greed.

We're given luxuries and the illusion of freedom to make us apathetic; made to be cynical and untrusting, so we continue to fail to come together for a common goal. We all have to trust somebody at some point and who is there that's worth trusting in this day and age where nobility and honour are things of the past?

We're slaves from the minute we're born. We become indebted to society and will have to work the entire rest of our lives to secure any type of freedom; and even that only lasts as long as the money. We are told from birth that we're free, but if you look around you, you realize you have to pay to live.

The government keeps taking away our freedoms here and there where they can; watching for any threat against them. They are not afraid to attack the public to ensure fear, and they know how to cover it up to make it look like someone else did it.

People deep in conspiracy theories say to follow the money. They're not far off. Our vote for president does not matter. We vote and it passes through the electoral college; a group of up and coming politicians who are eager for promotion through the ranks of politics and are willing to please those who are able to make such things happen. A good amount of them come from colleges of prominence; you tend to have to come from a family of money.

Our votes go to the Electoral College and they get to decide whether or not our votes mean anything at all; they then vote how they want to regardless.

All of our presidents have come from highly acclaimed colleges that you really have to be a member of a family with money to attend. They attended private schools while growing up, which also costs a good amount of money. They are indoctrinated from an early age by these schools to run this country through politics and legalese.

The Republican and Democrat parties are the only two parties that really get noticed; again due to money. There is an almost limitless amount of money pushed forth to pay for advertising, etc. for those two parties. By the end of every election, only those two parties are left standing, because they got the most attention.

But that's just the outer shell of Government. The true power lays in Congress, which is based in Washington D.C., which is not even a part of the United States. It is a District of Columbia. They have their own convoluted methods of getting into office and all of them love the smell of money; which can conveniently be taken without anyone's knowledge because, technically, they are not in the US.

Our laws themselves are a convoluted mess that constantly undermine our Constitution and really only work to make criminals out of people who can not maneuver through the loopholes of the law and makes criminals out of people who have harmed no one and nothing. When it works, you feel reassured that the system is working, making you forget just how much they get wrong and how much they allow to go on.

Intelligent enough to run their sweatshops and work the system, but never intended to be smart enough to see through it; that was their hope. How they have manipulated the American population because they need us for support; yet abandon us when we need it most and keep cutting away that support so more and more people die and they can count it off as an 'unavoidable sacrifice' while they pursue 'greater good' around the world.

People are corrupted on a daily basis; made to be confused because they're allowed to do almost anything they want and can get away with. Nobody is really allowed to discipline their children any more due to the laws. Everyone's afraid of getting arrested for it. Or, worse yet, they truly believe their child should have everything and overlook all of the bad things they do because they're so blinded with love. Or worst yet, they don't love their children at all and do nothing but make of their lives a living hell where the children can only hope to go out and do the same instead of giving in to the call of suicide.

Eventually it's going to crumble; it's all going to fall apart. Everything they ever worked for will be gone and we'll be left to pick up the pieces and try to put it all together. No doubt, some other enterprising individual will seek to control us in similar manners, manipulating us and telling us we need government; that someone needs to run things for everyone else.

When does the cycle end? If you truly believe it can be achieved without violence, you are naive and you've fallen for what they want you to believe. I really pity you because when violence does break out; as it always does when two immovable objects collide; you will be caught by surprise; you will panic and you will almost surely perish in the ensuing chaos.

Imagine a world free of grasshoppers; free of those who only seek to take advantage of people. A world where we take care of each other and the other animals on this planet. A world where technology and education were equal for everyone and people didn't have to live in fear or insecurity, because everyone was happy and able to get along.

There is no way to get that without violence, because there is no way the people in charge will allow it to happen. It's not profitable to them; they don't get to be in charge; they don't get to have power because everyone is equal and we all have power as equals. We'll all be intelligent and knowledgeable enough not to be manipulated and corrupted into allowing others to take freedom from us. Everything we do will be by choice and it won't be pressed on us under duress.

I'm not saying to go out and start a fight or to start a war. Just wake up; be aware of what's going on. Be prepared. The more they try to stop change, the more change persists and when it finally happens, the result is infinitely more chaotic than if people had just allowed it to happen naturally. This is the result of all the negativity and hate that has been allowed to circulate because for way too damn long, the good among us have fought and then inevitably stopped fighting because we believed the fight to be over.

We, as a species, always need to remain vigilant against being taken advantage of in any way; we need to be wary of the people who know how to say the things we like to hear so they can get something from us that we inevitably fail to realize is taken until it's too late. We know how cunning and how ruthless people can be at times and lies rush ever ready to the surface when pressed by necessity.

Being a 'hero' is discouraged by society in this day and age. Bullies run things and people love to laugh at the person who tries; they wear them down until they're nothing. Meanwhile, people walk by who never do a thing to help. They do nothing out of fear, because they believe it impossible of themselves to be a hero; they believe themselves to be weak, because that's the insecurity that's inevitably driven in when we're continually overwhelmed. It's divide and conquer at its best and those with popularity from being top dog hate to give it up.

The thing is, we're all heroes if we allow ourselves to be. We are all stronger than most of us will ever realize and hopefully will never have to realize. If we all stood up at once, the bullies would be outnumbered. If we all were heroes, none of us would have to be ostracized or become so full of negativity that we become the bullies we once hated; lashing out in pain and bitterness.

The only people who are sheep are those who haven't woken up to realize that they're the lions charged with keeping the wolves away.

Children

It is important to discipline your children, no matter what the law might state. The law was originally intended to keep people from going overboard on disciplining their child and many people have lost sight of that.

It's great that there are people who want to be friends with their kids; that's just as important as discipline. You have to find a balance between the two, where a child may be happy, but also know where a line is drawn.

It goes even further toward the proper education of the child if you explain why they are being punished in a manner that they can understand. Do not treat your child as if they are stupid, but take into account they might not be understanding something the way you're saying it. Every child is different.

Without discipline, children become spoiled, they lack understanding of consequences to their actions. They will go out and do horrible things. So, too, if your over-discipline your child, they have no understanding of anything other than being oppressed and will similarly go out and do horrible things.

The development of any child is tricky and not everyone is cut out to be a parent. These are hard facts of life and the lack of efficient guidelines for parents and children hows in our society.

The perfect parent has a blend of understanding both the mind-frame of the child and of themselves. They know how to be reasonable and allow their child to have fun, insofar as they are not harming anyone or themselves, and know when to discipline and how much. They are not overly affected by the trials and tribulations of their youth or the anger and repressed hatred that they feel for those who raised them.

Any child deserves so much better care and attention than we received while growing. Some of us already had great parents and teachers and so shouldn't need this bit of advice. But the fact remains those are few and far between. Take time with your children; teach them how to think for themselves, how to live; how to avoid pitfalls. Teach them how to learn the best lessons from any given situation. Teach them how to make mistakes and how never to give up.

Our children remain the future of our world and the more and more we ignore them and allow them to raise themselves out of our own laziness and wish to just sit back and let TV or Video Games do the work, the worse off we all will be. Like any growing things, children need tender loving care, attention, and strict guide lines explained in ways they can understand for how we should interact with others.

It's frustrating at times. Kids can be annoying. They can completely frazzle you and wear you out. But, they are just children and you are the adult. You need to set the best example that you can and be the role model for them to exemplify. Why pass on to them all the negative BS that you had passed on to you? Why teach them how to abuse and manipulate and use those around them? Did you ever like anyone else doing that to you? No, I bet you did not.

Being a parent isn't a loyalty contest, either. Getting your child's back regardless of the situation is just lunacy. If they fucked up, they fucked up. What are they going to do when you're no longer around to protect them from their fuck ups? You must exemplify deeper underlying loyalty by showing them responsibility and maturity and let them know that regardless of how they fuck up, you will be there loving them, but you can not save them from the consequences of their own actions.

Even if you can save them from them, you do so at great harm to them. You do far more harm by sheltering your kids from the world than by preparing them for it. And, if you prepare your children properly, they will go throughout the world and spread it on to others in the same fashion. It all begins and ends with our children.

Tl;dr

Too often these days I see people too impatient to read through a ten minute snippet of text. They say such famous lines as 'tl;dr' and 'you didn't have to write a book'.

The problem is that a single word can change the meaning of an entire body of words laid together; depending on the word. To summarize anything in simple and concise sentences leaves a lot out that should be explained. It allows too much for people to infer various different things from a single point of origin; some times things that the original person who said the words never intended.

Those of us that continue to spread those concise statements see the things we like to see and expect others to see the same things, not realizing the differing viewpoints that would allow even the most basic of messages to become altered and skewed to fit an individuals perspective.

A frightening large amount of people no longer have the patience or attention span to have something fully explained to them, and this is by design. From our cartoons to our social media, everything is designed for the person on the fly; the person with too much going on to pay attention fully to things they should; a person too caught up in the proceedings of society to take a moment to value things as they should; too caught up in chasing things they think are important that they fail to actually see what is important.

Where there is confusion, there is chaos; where there is chaos, there is man fighting his fellow man, allowing enterprising people who care little for such things to reach out and grab power and control of the world and its people for their own machinations. Distract the public, get them fighting each other and paying attention to things of little to no importance. Sleight of hand, like the US President and Congress:

"Please pay attention to the dancing monkey in the suit while we conduct our business in private. Thank you."

In the end, it's just another illusion; another magic trick; designed to deceive the public and getting them to believe in things that aren't at all important to the overall scheme of things and if they were to look behind the trick, they would be sorely disappointed with what they saw.

Another thing capitalized on is peoples ego. "We know so much that we have no reason to learn anything new, unless it's really interesting."

We are a nation of sheep that thinks they are wolves in sheep clothing and therein lays our downfall, because in our egotism and vanity, we fail to see that we are truly sheep and the true sheep in wolves clothing are far more diabolical and scheming than most of us have ever dreamed of being.

If this weren't the way of things; if people listened to wisemen instead of people in positions of authority who speak out their arses; things would be entirely different in the world and there would not be so much suffering.

Too long have the good and wise among mankind kept silent or been corrupted; too long has this all gone on. From era to era, generation to generation, person to person. This is not nature; this is insanity.

The Weak Are Meat...

I watched Cloud Atlas the other day. Brilliant movie and I recommend seeing it at least once or twice. Anyway, one line of the movie stuck out significantly for me: 'The weak are meat, and the strong do eat.'

I do not agree with this sentiment as I believe there not to be any weak people in the world; only those who have yet to find their strength. However, it paints a picture that 'peace-freaks' simply can not afford to ignore.

There are people in this world who believe; as strongly as you believe in the things you believe in; that they can take whatever they want, can do whatever they want. There is no way to talk them out of it; to speak to them reasonably about it; they will continue to prey upon those who they deem as weak.

It is a nice thought, that of solving the worlds problems through discussion, however it's not very realistic. Even though our world has seemingly moved past the chaos and carnage of past ages to deliver us unto a world of 'advanced' thinking (which isn't really advanced and has circulated to the surface countless times in history) humans are still, ultimately, the same.

Congressmen and women, politicians, etc. Not just government, but all over in all stages of society. They take and take and there is no give except that which is suitable to them. They twist and turn the existence of countless people who would rather live in peace all for their own momentary gain.

To ignore the fact that these people exist and exist in large numbers in the world is akin to ignoring the fact that good people exist in the world and exist in large numbers. Eventually, the unprepared will realize reality; most often too late; and a cycle continues on that we are only powerless to stop due to the majorities insistence on ignoring simple truths and allowing it all to continue through their fears and insecurities that others have put in them.

This is why I say a war is on the horizon; in fact it's already here. It's been here for quite some time and continues to be fought on various levels of both physicality and mentality. This is why I say a lot of people will die; however those deaths will be cut short by the deaths of natural disasters, which you can see by the news are hitting the world with increasing frequency as of late.

Those who ignore the signs and patterns of history and of the world around them are doomed to repeat them and doomed to be caught unawares by them.

Second Coming of Jesus Ramble Rant

When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, then he will sit on his glorious throne. Before him will be gathered all the nations, and he will separate people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. And he will place the sheep on his right, but the goats on the left. Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.' Then the righteous will answer him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you? And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?’ And the King will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.’

“Then he will say to those on his left, ‘Depart from me, you cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. For I was hungry and you gave me no food, I was thirsty and you gave me no drink, I was a stranger and you did not welcome me, naked and you did not clothe me, sick and in prison and you did not visit me.’ Then they also will answer, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in prison, and did not minister to you?’ Then he will answer them, saying, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to me.’ And these will go away into eternal punishment, but the righteous into eternal life.”

But concerning that day and hour no one knows, not even the angels of heaven, nor the Son, but the Father only. For as were the days of Noah, so will be the coming of the Son of Man. For as in those days before the flood they were eating and drinking, marrying and giving in marriage, until the day when Noah entered the ark, and they were unaware until the flood came and swept them all away, so will be the coming of the Son of Man. Then two men will be in the field; one will be taken and one left. Two women will be grinding at the mill; one will be taken and one left. Therefore, stay awake, for you do not know on what day your Lord is coming. But know this, that if the master of the house had known in what part of the night the thief was coming, he would have stayed awake and would not have let his house be broken into. Therefore you also must be ready, for the Son of Man is coming at an hour you do not expect.

Who then is the faithful and wise servant, whom his master has set over his household, to give them their food at the proper time? Blessed is that servant whom his master will find so doing when he comes. Truly, I say to you, he will set him over all his possessions. But if that wicked servant says to himself, ‘My master is delayed,’ and begins to beat his fellow servants and eats and drinks with drunkards, the master of that servant will come on a day when he does not expect him and at an hour he does not know and will cut him in pieces and put him with the hypocrites. In that place there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.

“So when you see the abomination of desolation spoken of by the prophet Daniel, standing in the holy place, then let those who are in Judea flee to the mountains. Let the one who is on the housetop not go down to take what is in his house, and let the one who is in the field not turn back to take his cloak. And alas for women who are pregnant and for those who are nursing infants in those days! Pray that your flight may not be in winter or on a Sabbath. For then there will be great tribulation, such as has not been from the beginning of the world until now, no, and never will be. And if those days had not been cut short, no human being would be saved. But for the sake of the elect those days will be cut short. Then if anyone says to you, ‘Look, here is the Christ!’ or ‘There he is!’ do not believe it. For false christs and false prophets will arise and perform great signs and wonders, so as to lead astray, if possible, even the elect. See, I have told you beforehand. So, if they say to you, ‘Look, he is in the wilderness,’ do not go out. If they say, ‘Look, he is in the inner rooms,’ do not believe it. For as the lightning comes from the east and shines as far as the west, so will be the coming of the Son of Man. Wherever the corpse is, there the vultures will gather.

The Coming of the Son of Man

"Immediately after the tribulation of those days the sun will be darkened, and the moon will not give its light, and the stars will fall from heaven, and the powers of the heavens will be shaken. Then will appear in heaven the sign of the Son of Man, and then all the tribes of the earth will mourn, and they will see the Son of Man coming on the clouds of heaven with power and great glory.

Now concerning the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ and our being gathered together to him, we ask you, brothers, not to be quickly shaken in mind or alarmed, either by a spirit or a spoken word, or a letter seeming to be from us, to the effect that the day of the Lord has come. Let no one deceive you in any way. For that day will not come, unless the rebellion comes first, and the man of lawlessness is revealed, the son of destruction, who opposes and exalts himself against every so-called god or object of worship, so that he takes his seat in the temple of God, proclaiming himself to be God. Do you not remember that when I was still with you I told you these things? And you know what is restraining him now so that he may be revealed in his time. For the mystery of lawlessness is already at work. Only he who now restrains it will do so until he is out of the way. And then the lawless one will be revealed, whom the Lord Jesus will kill with the breath of his mouth and bring to nothing by the appearance of his coming. The coming of the lawless one is by the activity of Satan with all power and false signs and wonders, and with all wicked deception for those who are perishing, because they refused to love the truth and so be saved. Therefore God sends them a strong delusion, so that they may believe what is false, in order that all may be condemned who did not believe the truth but had pleasure in unrighteousness.

And at that time shall Michael stand up, the great prince which standeth for the children of thy people: and there shall be a time of trouble, such as never was since there was a nation even to that same time: and at that time thy people shall be delivered, every one that shall be found written in the book.

Friend, have you ever turned from your sins and received the Lord Jesus Christ as your Savior? The Bible says, "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life." (Jhn. 3:16)

Many have the idea that our good works can save us and get us into Heaven, but the Bible says this isn't so:

"As it is written, There is none righteous, no, not one:" (Rom. 3:10)

"For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God;" (Rom. 3:23)

"For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: Not of works, lest any man should boast." (Eph. 2:8-9)

We have no real "good" works, because we're all SINNERS by nature. We were born into this world as sinners (Psa. 51:5), and this is why Jesus said we must be "born again" (Jhn. 3:3).

There's some misunderstanding because we are all the sons and daughters of God. This was a confusion as the spirit that entered Jesus was high in favor in the eyes of the lord and the only comparison that could be given to the people was that of the favor a father shows toward his son; the amount of love and loyalty because the spirit that entered jesus showed love and loyalty to the lord.

Our good works are not enough to save us or get us into heaven; we have to believe in good and believe in the fact that good will win out. To believe Jesus is our savior is to believe that he died for our sins. He did die for our sins, so he is our savior. To believe in Jesus is to believe in goodness because he did nothing but preach goodness and to live in goodness. But, the bible says that as it is written there is none righteous, no; not one. For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God.

Jesus is no different; he is not an exception to the rule.

"For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God; Not of works, lest any man should boast."

By having the grace to let go and realize that your works are not your own; that through acting by yourself you will only cause more harm than good, you save yourself. To open yourself up and allow goodness to work through you instead of claiming it as your own power and boasting of it; because the latter will ruin you in the end.

This is what is meant by being 'born again'; we must be born again through the fire and flame of living to become as pure as vessels as we can be for the transmittance of good through us; not by us.

This will be the great "golden age" which the ancient philosophers only dreamed about. This will be GOD'S New World Order, rather than man's. This will be a time of world peace, for the Prince of Peace will be ruling the world in righteousness (Isa. 9:6; Luk. 1:32; Isa. 2:2-4).

There will be only ONE RELIGION during the Millennium. Those who refuse to worship Christ will be punished (Zec. 14:16-19).

People will be happy during this time, because Satan will no longer be around to tempt them. The curse of Genesis chapter three will be lifted, and men will once again live long lives as they did in the days of Adam, Noah, and Methuselah (Isa. 33:24; 65:20).

There will be better farming and weather conditions (Isa. 30:23-26; Amos 9:13-15; Joel 2:19-24; Ezk. 36:29-30), and wild animals will become tame (Isa. 11:6-9; Rom. 8:20-21).

The so-called "lost tribes" of Israel will be fully restored to their proper land divisions (Ezk. 36-48). Jerusalem will be the capital city of the world (Jer. 3:17; Mic. 4:8), and the violent acts of terrorism will not be tolerated. Justice will be executed in the earth like never before. Good will overcome evil. Things will be done on earth as they are in Heaven (Mat. 6:10). Christ and His saints will reign over the earth for one thousand years!

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"'There will be only ONE RELIGION during the Millennium. Those who refuse to worship Christ will be punished', sounds very peaceful."

"Well, Jesus Christ is goodness embodied. Those who refuse to worship Jesus Christ; whether he existed or not; refuse to worship goodness. Those that turn away from good things are generally those who deserve to be punished, no?

The funniest thing is that the church believes they will be saved just by being baptized and believing jesus christ to be their savior; but they have failed to truly embody the beliefs, choosing instead to focus on blind faith of words passed down to them by other people with little thought of their own.

I'm leafing through and reading some of these interpretations and they're entirely self-serving and boastful and full of arrogance and pride; just the same as any man not belonging to a religion. They try to mold the teachings of goodness to what they want in an attempt to make allowances for their own downfalls that they see nothing wrong with.

Those found wanting to change for the better will be saved. Those who think they're already perfect and unable to become better in any way will not be saved; because they failed to realize the truth: that nobody is perfect, not even the Lord."

"All I'm saying is, while you follow stuff like this, don't say Jesus = peace."

"But Jesus *is* peace. It's man that's the problem. After Jesus died; or vanished from the scene, as some religions say that he survived the crucifixion and headed east, assuming a new name; it took 600 years for the state to issue the new testament version of the bible. Who would have been alive to contest their version of things? They changed a lot to suit what they felt was best for people to hear. The church left out Jesus' testimony entirely because it was so filled with heresy against the church for corrupting the beliefs of God. Yet, I say religion isn't all bad because it allowed for enough goodness to shine through that somewhere down the line someone would be able to piece together everything and see through the lies. Enough goodness made it through to allow countless people throughout the ages to live good lives.

All lies will be revealed, all deceptions shattered. Evil will be driven from the land by the words of a voice as sharp as any sword. But the world must first go through its paces, because this is the route that mankind has chosen to go.

The problem is that, over time, man ad-libbed their own religion to the point where it contradicted itself multiple times over. By the time Jesus arrived; when God saw fit to send his most trusted; they were so far gone down the wrong path that he only really spoke to the open-minded. Many of the people who belonged to the church at that time despised him, but Jesus gained such popularity from non-denominational people that they flocked to be baptised in his name; thus separating Catholicism from Christianity; and he did gain followers from the church, as well.

Over time, peoples stories suffered the 'telephone' effect as they were passed down from generation to generation, being embellished and added to or taken away from. When the new testament was actually released; people accepted it full force because it already fit with the part of the bible they already knew and probably fit in well with their own stories. Those people whose stories contrasted with the stories in the bible probably grumbled but accepted it as the authority. Those that didn't would have obviously been in arms about it. Catholicism accepted it because it was the popular route, but they made it their own and there were a few other branch-offs in religion around that time and since, as well.

But it was enough to give a diluted effect to the corruption that was spreading through man. It made a difference overall.

'As we get closer and closer to the Second Coming of Christ, there will be increasing and widespread doubt about whether Jesus even existed. People will also start wondering if God really exists and believers will leave the Christian faith'"

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"And I saw heaven opened, and behold a white horse; and he that sat upon him was called Faithful and True, and in righteousness he doth judge and make war. His eyes were as a flame of fire, and on his head were many crowns; and he had a name written, that no man knew, but he himself. And he was clothed with a vesture dipped in blood: and his name is called The Word of God. And the armies which were in heaven followed him upon white horses, clothed in fine linen, white and clean. And out of his mouth goeth a sharp sword, that with it he should smite the nations: and he shall rule them with a rod of iron: and he treadeth the winepress of the fierceness and wrath of Almighty God. And he hath on his vesture and on his thigh a name written, KING OF KINGS, AND LORD OF LORDS. And I saw an angel standing in the sun; and he cried with a loud voice, saying to all the fowls that fly in the midst of heaven, Come and gather yourselves together unto the supper of the great God; That ye may eat the flesh of kings, and the flesh of captains, and the flesh of mighty men, and the flesh of horses, and of them that sit on them, and the flesh of all men, both free and bond, both small and great. And I saw the beast, and the kings of the earth, and their armies, gathered together to make war against him that sat on the horse, and against his army. And the beast was taken, and with him the false prophet that wrought miracles before him, with which he deceived them that had received the mark of the beast, and them that worshipped his image. These both were cast alive into a lake of fire burning with brimstone. And the remnant were slain with the sword of him that sat upon the horse, which sword proceeded out of his mouth: and all the fowls were filled with their flesh." (Rev. 19:11-21)

"And it shall come to pass in the last days, that the mountain of the Lord's house shall be established in the top of the mountains, and shall be exalted above the hills; and all nations shall flow unto it. And many people shall go and say, Come ye, and let us go up to the mountain of the LORD, to the house of the God of Jacob; and he will teach us of his ways, and we will walk in his paths: for out of Zion shall go forth the law, and the word of the LORD from Jerusalem. And he shall judge among the nations, and shall rebuke many people: and they shall beat their swords into plowshares, and their spears into pruninghooks: nation shall not lift up sword against nation, neither shall they learn war any more." (Isa. 2:2-4)



Only after a final war will people finally turn over their weapons and return to ways of peace. And only when those in power are over-turned with mere words. All people who are good at heart will be saved even if they never saw Jesus or knew him or knew of him, as he had said that 'as you have treated my brethren, the same you have treated me.'

We are at a culminating point in history where prophecy and psychology and science and myth and magic all meld together to create our reality. Without realizing it, many agencies are moving toward the completion of these prophecies. While realizing it, a good amount of agencies are at work seeking to undermine it and to prove that God is fallible, that they are better than God.

They will go through and conquer the world to prove it; they will command the multitude and manipulate them into service and then exalt themselves as better than God when they triumph. Israel is rebuilding its temple in Jerusalem; The world is slowly realizing that the majority of it is controlled by a single agency; the true mastermind of which is wrapped in shadows and can not be identified.

Marvels and wonders will be shown to the world and used to deceive it into further obedience. No timeline can accurately be given; nor can events be explained at any length in detail; because when they are known, they change based on what is known and expected as both sides try to get the jump on each other. It's a chess match a million times beyond the mental struggle between Dr. Moriarty and Sherlock Holmes. The moves have already been made, all that's left is to let them be executed and see which giant came out on top.

We are young, so we set the world on fire...

People have been lied to. Instead of being taught how to care and provide for themselves and those around them, they became the slaves to someone else doing those things for them. Even those who are able to do those things on a small scale, they are slaves to the larger scale.

We are punished when we do what is 'wrong'; we are not explained to why it is wrong or when it is wrong; if it's something for which exists times of it being right; and we are not left with many courses to figure it out unless we deviate a bit from the mainstream line of information which stems from the government.

In books do we find the answers; in books do we find the way. We see the hopes of other people; the adventures that they dream of; the heroes that they make and everything in between. But, even those lie, in a way; unintentionally and based on the lies that others have perpetrated before them.

We are all the heroes; we are all kings and queens in our own right. We are all equal. We should be meeting together on equal ground and if we see someone who is not able to, we should help them to reach that point instead of abusing them based on their inexperience in life. We have no need for larger government; no need for security; no need for fear or insecurity of any type.

Our psychology and medicine are in place to save us, to help us; but it becomes instead a machine of the rich that enslaves the poor and makes them into victims of their own fear. We trust in these things from birth, yet they are programmed to care more about money and their own safety than the well-being of the people. We have the answers to cure so many maladies and we don't, because it's not profitable.

We have the answer for world peace and freedom and it's to stand up and ask for it and if denied, fight for it and continue fighting for peace and freedom so long as anyone exists that tries to take it from us. We need to all be our own people and stand on our own feet. We need to square off with our demons and find our strength; find our wisdom and reason and sense; and realize that we already all are what we want to be if we just wake up and realize it and focus on those parts instead of our mistakes. The world would be better if we just focused on teaching people that. Teach them to think in various strains that allows for flexibility in determining what is truth and what is fiction; how much of a possibility something is. Teach them true problem-solving, not just the recitation of 'facts'.

Morality and nobility exists inside each and every one of us. It may need to be taught just the same as the 'bad' things in life, but it's something people secretly yearn for; a sense of needing to be fulfilled without knowing what that fulfillment is. This new age of technology and mass-media sharing makes it harder, because we all see the horrors hidden in peoples psychologies; the crass and cruel nature of people; so we have to search for it and draw it out, coax it.

It's easy to get dragged down by everything else around you; but it's worth it to stand up and fight as hard as you can to prevent it. It's hard because we've all been lied to or misinformed or simply uninformed altogether. It's up to each person who finds themselves to spread the information on for others to make use of.

We see what goes on in the world and we aren't happy with it. We know it's all wrong. We need to stand up and do something about it. We need to fight and we need to keep fighting until the good things win out forever. I don't mean 'go out looking for a fight', I mean fight as in be persistent; ask and demand what you want; demand to have freedom and peace and if it is denied, keep demanding it; refuse to do what you are told and if violence is issued against your person, defend yourself.

We have been meek; we have been humble; we have suffered for the sins of the world while the world rises to chaos in the semblance of sanity and people do harm to their brothers and sisters without remorse. We see the lies and we see the damage done by our fellow humans; these animals who seek to exalt themselves above all other animals. It is up to us to teach others to see these things, not to force them to think in a pattern, but teach them how to think for themselves and teach them how to rise above negativity. It is up to us to win the fight for freedom and peace for all time.

Types of Trolls

In ancient times, a troll was an ugly, misshapen creature.



Over time, many variations of troll have emerged from the troll seen above; which is a mountain troll; to the trolls that live under bridges, cave trolls, etc. Including the popular versions of troll found in current video games such as God of War.

In recent years, the word troll has taken on a new meaning. It has been used in a variety of functions. To the modern linguist, a troll is a person who is found on the internet who waits for people to say something and then responds to it with the express intent of getting a reaction from them.

Many times, people have been called trolls simply for stimulating conversation with others, much to the dismay of online communities everywhere; and communication in general slowly dwindled down and became hostile.

As the troll evolved, it took on various forms. While the forms do remain too numerous to name, I have taken the liberty of highlighting those most often seen.

5-Headed Troll Beast
The number 5 is just a go-by. The average troll of this variety has multiple heads ranging from 2-10, though some may have upward of 50 heads or more. They all appear to be different, but at the core they're the same being and move in close packs that make them appear to be the same organism and might just be. They will act as normal trolls trying to get a reaction out of people and when a reaction is had, will use bully tactics to put you in your place and then make out like you attacked them.

Not very dangerous, mostly feeds on your anger and rage and pushes you to lose your cool so it can fuck with you.


The Illusionist Troll
This is a highly accomplished troll. What the 5-headed troll beast does with multiple heads; the illusionist can do with just one, and then some. The Illusionist can and will wrap you up in words, make out to be the victim; make you feel guilt, etc. and turn everything around on you leaving you a confused and insecure mess. A master of verbal and mental manipulation and highly dangerous.

The Gentle Troll
Generally a nice person that just likes to tease people and have a fun time; never means anything by what they say and is mostly liked by everyone.

The Troll-hunter Troll
Very rare and highly unappreciated. No danger to most, but can be very dangerous to other trolls. Can be as adept as the Illusionist and drive out the 5-Headed TrolL beast. Eats Lone trolls for lunch and constantly works to ensure that people can have a safe place to communicate without constant 'serious' trolling that they dislike. Known to speak logic and reason and common sense and loves to defend people who are having trolls get the better of them.

The Lone Troll
Otherwise known as 'the amateur troll'; While the Illusionist Troll and the Troll-Hunter Troll work by themselves; they're good at it. The Lone Troll can still be dangerous if handled inappropriately as they are known to get lucky from time to time. Usually evolves into either the 5-Headed Troll Beast or The Illusionist Troll.

(Unproven)The Mega-Troll Conglomerate
Masterminds arise within the trolling communities. Those exceptionally talented at what they do. Inevitably these are either the 5-headed troll beasts or the Illusionist types of trolls, that evolve into a higher state of being. They draw other trolls to them in this state and control them through various methods. They are multi-faceted and know many online tricks. They might be a hacker or programmer. As a group, they wield far more power and can actually affect events in the world. Think of a nerdy, troll version of fight club and this is the closest approximation one can give. The people that make these groups up could be anyone and anywhere and they use their power of numbers for great advantage. It is unclear as to how many such groups exist, let alone even one such group but it has to be theorized that one does exist; as these trolls do remain as variations of humans and humans are known to massively group together when common interest is found. What the goals of one of these groups might be is also hard to determine as they would be, by nature, trollish and untrustworthy, but they would know how to work people.

That's it for common types of trolls. Please remain careful while using the internet and watch out for trolls. If you notice you're being engaged by one, the best thing you can do is just ignore it until goes away. Stop responding to it altogether, unless you have the ability to see through its trolling and beat it down, which can be a drain on you emotionally and physically and requires a fair amount of will.

Knowing your enemy is half the battle.

Imagine

Consider a world where information was shared freely; where everything was shared freely. Nobody stockpiled anything; nobody wanted for more than the next person. There is no race for power; no insecure need to be better than anything. Imagine a peace that spreads from the heart; warm and free. A peace and happiness that nothing can touch. Mourn the passing of friends, but remember most that it was their time to go and remember the best parts. Imagine a world where everybody is happy with just living because there is no bad thing in the world that can't be overcome and they all know it.

Everyone free of fear and those who try to stir it up; free to think and free to help those who need it; free of ridicule and doubt. A world where we don't pollute everything around us for a few basic luxuries. If we can't do it right; we won't do it at all. A world where nobody goes hungry or cold and homeless. Where everybody is treated equally and nobody is left out.

These governments of men; men in general; have striven countless generations to defeat fear only to fall prey to it. Centuries upon centuries of senseless wars have been fought and forgotten for that one simple ideal. That is what we fight for when we're backed into a corner by those who have fallen prey and have chosen to try to control us and everything else instead of merely helping us protect ourselves.

Courage against fear. How the hell is the world supposed to get better if people just stop fighting for the right things? These are things that could be had in the world if people would just let go of greed and fear. We need an economy? bullshit. Lies made up to make us believe that we had to pay for the right to live.

We can live to see a world like that come about if we but take action now; in the present. An actual utopia of share and share alike. That is a possibility and we can reach for it. We can bloody hell fight for it and die fighting for something that was actually worth it instead of something hollow and momentary. After all; what good are our lives if we deprive the right to live to countless numbers of people yet to even come into existence by our negligent acceptance of a decaying society in a world that we're swiftly tearing apart.

You're Never Truly Alone

We are only as alone as we perceive ourselves to be. Everyone hurts and feels pain; we are all just victims of life. The ones not worth spending time on are the people who never try to get better or rise above the pain to spread love the way it should be spread. I try to see the suffering people never talk about; the pain that only surfaces in anger or rage and acts of violence against others. There's not enough done in advance to mitigate that pain; nobody there to catch many of these people as they fall and instead of learning to rise above it all; they stay down and become worse.

We become slaves to the pain and hurt and instead of blaming it, we blame each other; we hate each other for simply making mistakes bred by suffering and trauma. The only way people are going to have equality is when all people suffer equally and everyone is made to see the similarities in all people rather than the apparent differences.

Witch-hunts: Early Psychological Warfare

I'd like to touch on the witch trials and witch hunts of a recent era. Originally, it was never about witchcraft. Women were beginning again to understand their power over men and were using it. After countless centuries of being pressed down by religion for being the one to tempt Adam into eating the apple; and by man because man viewed woman to be the weaker sex; women had finally started waking up and doing something for their gender and men did not like it.

At the time, stories of witches were spreading like modern day urban legends and men saw an out. They capitalized on the fear caused by these stories and started accusing people of being witches. People they didn't like or didn't care for; people they wanted to get rid of. And certainly, less intelligent men came after that realized the same and did accuse people of witchcraft just to get rid of them; however they weren't as adept at hiding their trail.

As the fear spread, women themselves became a part of the hunters because they actually believed these other poor souls to be witches. After a time, it stopped being reduced to merely women being hunted and expanded to men, too.

Why they stopped: People of intelligence and authority in the world at the time saw that the witch hunts and trials were a sham, saw the brutal nature of these events first hand and gained the necessary strength to put an end to them. That, and certain members of the group that started it all were being accused of witchcraft themselves. It was entirely too violent to control.

What's interesting to note is that the entire thing actually pushed more people to dabble in magic and witchcraft. It became forbidden and interesting and promised power. As much as people detested the idea of others having it, they wanted it for themselves.

So, if you happen to wonder why women play so many psychological games and try to fuck men over as much as possible; here's one of the reasons why.

More on the Boston Bombings

I really hate seeing the news about the Boston Bombings and their follow-ups. I really hate to see all the people that believe what they hear from the news at this point because it's all too coincidentally miss-timed and looks exactly like a government cover-up and an attempt to discredit the people that support those boys.

I firmly believe the FBI and/or CIA were involved with the bombing beforehand; knew of it and planned it; and are using it as an excuse to force many things onto the public that the public wouldn't have accepted if they weren't up in arms over being attacked.

Watertown was turned into a police state where the police went heavily armed from door to door and bypassed all citizen rights to go through and search peoples entire houses at gun point just to find a lone teenager. The people cheered when the teen was found; because they were afraid. The government put that fear into them with the show of force and instead of being reasonably afraid, they applied it to a teenager on the run who had to have been scared.

Our government terrorizes at least 5-6 other countries in the world. Our government is known for acts of terrorism worldwide; yet people find it hard to believe they'd use the same force to control their own country? Fear and confusion are very popular and powerful tools in the tyrant world and our governments use them well.

Why Homosexuality is Hated

The reason why the government is so against gay marriage in general; and religion, too; is because of the fact that they have been pushing for some time now for a much larger population. This was done to keep control over the people; as the larger the crowd of people that wasn't in power; the more confusion there would be; the more they could pull the wool over the eyes of the masses; the more they could get away with. As all sorts of people fought each other, they would continue to rise in power as people found their way to them and supported them with virtuous intent; sing their praises to confuse the rest of the public.

They made people hate gays and view it as an act of perversion when it was entirely natural. The majority of Roman Caesars had both male and female lovers. As animals with reproductive organs, we are highly sexual creatures and there is nothing wrong with that. Confusion is a very good control tactic; but highly volatile; and it has worked for a long time. It all comes down to control and they sought to control the minds of the youth; influence a lot at an early age and they thought ahead a long way and set in motion a perpetual hate machine that would enable them to keep power by brutally beating blind hatred into people.

People in Synch

While I was having a little meltdown the other day; being all angry and bitter; I wasn't the only one.

My best friend Tim was having a similarly bad day where all of tensions rose to a max.

Also, on that same day during the same exact time, there was a story that happened yesterday about a kid that took brass knuckles and a gun to school and injured a couple other kids.

I'm sure there's other people out there with similar stories.

This could be coincidence in itself, but it's not the first time it's happened. People are in synch more than they realize; their brains and emotions put off an energy pattern that is just now being barely understood and applied to public science. That energy goes unseen through the world, affecting people in different ways. Our brains acting as both energy generators and receptors.

I also believe that others have realized this before me and have applied it in the same ways that humans have applied such things in the past. I believe that some agency is at work that uses technology that mimics the same energy frequencies as emotions and they use it to manipulate and control the populace; in a broad sense of the word 'control'.

Power of Belief

A lot of human power comes from the ability to believe in things. Our beliefs take on a vibrant power of their own as evidenced by Placebos and Nocebos. This is why our government has been hard at work crimping what it is we believe and disbelieve in. It fears those beliefs and has circulated countless insecurities through modern 'psychology' to infect the public with fear. Fear; the great inhibitor; that which stops man from acting like he should. The source of all other negativity; fear.They have wanted you to believe bad things so they could keep their vice grip on power and control; and perhaps they've gone so far to design technology utilizing specific sound waves and frequencies to put that fear and insecurity into the people through memetic and osmotic processes. The fact is that our beliefs do hold power and they hold more power than whatever negativity is thrown at us. They can overcome it and adapt in various ways and forms.We only need to believe with all of our hearts in goodness and world peace and they will surely be ours in time; because by believing in those things we give ourselves some small peace of mind, which in turn actually paves the way for those things. In fact, you can realistically say that if one person believes in a small enough thing without interference; with a strong belief; it will come true. You can realistically say that if many people believe in one thing, it will come true faster depending on how much they believe.So, when asked what you did today to add your efforts to bettering this world, just say: 'I believed.', because even that is an extreme hardship when faced with despair.

An Early Prediction

It will start as a protest; a general murmur among the populace voiced reasonably to their government. From there, they will be ignored until they start to become intolerant of their governments ignoring them. They will protest louder and stronger and with more fire and the military and police will be called in to keep them in line. It won't be clear who drew first blood, whether law enforcement or civilian. Tensions will be high on both sides and nobody will remember or even care. Neither side will come out on top of that initial skirmish; the peace will be reigned in, but it will be an uneasy peace; the type that weighs heavily in the air with foreboding.

The populace will not stoop to acts of protest any further at that point, but turn into the 'terrorists' that the government tried to 'protect' us from; the people dissatisfied with our governments policies and moralistic integrity. They will strike the first real blow against the government and force it to play its hand in turning the US into a police state.

People will see, then, just how much the government controls, from our cell phones to our computer to our vehicles to our very homes and our lives. The revolution will have already begun by that point though, and those who lacked the wit to be informed will be trying to play catch up as everything gets escalated beyond control.

The people will do what they do best and resort to guerrilla warfare tactics of hit and run and then blending back into the scenery; the government, too, will have its victories in the form of live executions of those individuals caught and ousted.

Homes will be burnt, city blocks demolished; everything short of nuclear power will be used and even some new technology thrown into the mix that people are currently unexpecting, but shouldn't be too surprised by. This is unavoidable. People will try to avoid it, but they will find that all routes lead to it due to other peoples pigheadedness and unwillingness to step down from power or to give up what they worked so hard to corrupt.

many scared people who were never meant to see war will die; caught in the crossfire; many people who never were made for such dark things will witness horror embodied in man and fall back from the sight as if struck dead and still others will fight against family and friend as sides are chosen and fiercely protected in ignorance and deception.

Woe becomes the species that chose knowledge over happiness; and through knowledge have pursued that satisfaction which only ignorance can give. Through knowledge trying to cheat that which can not be cheated, while even the ignorant gloat of their wisdom in seeing the futility of. Though knowledge be chosen, ignorant they remain; neither fully remaining ignorant nor choosing to fully embrace knowledge; they twist along the nether of the middle ground, bumbling and stumbling like so many fools caught up in fancies of running errands for the Gods.

Woe becomes the species that corrupts instead of purifies; which pushes down the good to exalt the bad; which places their own personal needs and well being above those of all other animals on the planet; this species that has the knowledge and power to rise above and be as a loving brother in the guidance of all others. And until knowledge and enlightenment is pursued to its final destination...

Woe becomes us.

I Am

I am what I want to be
not what you make of me
I am what I see to be
not what you see in me
I am who I ought to be
nothing you can do to me
I am the one who rose up
who never let a thing keep him down
I fought the good fight; I fought
and so I learned to be a clown
funny and humorous, though here you don't see it
here I am serious, where reality is tenuous
in the end it is because this is the internet
this is where I can reach the most people
with the light of my good intent
to try to bring logic and sense and reason
to as many people that will listen
at the same time stumbling and bumbling
and making mistakes; I'm only human; among humans
I try to keep patience, but damn the ignorance
try to keep friendly, but damn the haters
try to keep control, but damn the unseen
Just more negativity and it spreads
like I want my love to spread
and some times it gets to me
some times it's overwhelming
but I fight it well, I fight the good fight
and I'll fight it until the day that I die
All for freedom of mind.

4/20 True Story, Sadly

The funniest thing just happened. I was on another community website like Facebook and saw a person say something about 4/20 not being a holiday. I, of course, jumped to the defense and was met with 'it's not a real holiday that means anything like Christmas or Thanksgiving.'

"oh, right. Christmas, the supposed birth of Christ when Christ was actually born in the middle of summer. The act of giving gifts during this time didn't really catch on until Saint Nicholas, who was modest man and a wood-carver. The children of his village were poor and had no toys, but were good children; so he crafted toys for them and gave them to them on Christmas Eve. Nobody really remembers this. The Christmas tree was re-introduced by the French in the late 1700's, early 1800's and before then was seen as the yule log in old pagan traditions, because they moved the birth of Christ to the day that pagan religions held their yule rituals to make Christianity more appealing to the masses; thus manipulating them to join. It is now nothing but a corporate whore.

Thanksgiving was originally intended for the giving of thanks and appreciation for the things that we had; which is funny, because it's now followed by Black Friday where people go out and spend as much as they can on sales in the stores. The first Thanksgiving was to give thanks to the Native Americans for providing help to the pilgrims during their first year in North America; because they wouldn't have been ready to survive the winter otherwise. They repaid the Native Americans by massacring them, stealing their land and raping their culture, which is now reduced to casinos and fireworks; and placed them on reservations that we controlled and monitored.

Those are your holidays. My holiday celebrates a natural herb that grows out of the ground and actually has some curative properties to it; enhancing the body and mind and creating a peaceful atmosphere where people may relax and come together peacefully. We would share it with everyone for free if not for the economy."

They continued to hate on the 4/20 and told me to shut up and that I was stupid; that they were just sharing their opinion and nobody had asked me for my input and I replied "if you're going to post something like this in a place that is VIEWED PUBLICLY, then expect the public to RESPOND TO IT. If you can not take the heat; then do not POST TO THE PUBLIC. Dumbass"

To which was replied: "you wouldn't talk to me like that in person; I'd rip your head off."

ah, violence; the solver of everything logical and reasonable in the world. And then I was blocked.

This only goes to show just how much ignorance is still out there.

For Boston and Cambridge

The News is a scary place these days. There's a lot going on in the world today and it's hard to believe that it could touch us, but it did. It doesn't only hit too close to home; for some of us, it does hit home. It blows home the fuck up. We once believed that America was infallible and would never fall under attack and the more we read these days; the more we see on TV; we can see that America has fallen a bit and fallen under attack.

Let this be your wake up call: no matter where you are or what you're doing; who you are; always pay attention to your surroundings; make sure you're acting appropriately. Be prepared in case something happens close to home; expect it, even if you live out in the middle of nowhere.

I do not say 'live in fear', for that would defeat the purpose. Fight fear; overcome fear. Only then will you do what you need to do when you need to do it. Now is not the time for panic or useless sentimentality. We all feel for the victims in Boston and Cambridge, but now is not the time to mourn, because they were just the beginning and what happens next will draw on the strength and will of every citizen.

We are at war, which should have been obvious since 9/11 and the events that followed; our governments reactions and actions prior to the event. Things don't make sense right now; it's hard to sort through all of the information and come up with a conclusion of what exactly happened and why; who did it and why; when the next attack will come and where. Don't sit and wait for other people to tell you how you should think, but watch and pay attention; keep all of your senses open and think for yourself. Only then will the truth eventually come out.

Untitled: The Life Story of a Writer

Something made me remember a whole bunch of shit I never wanted to remember, yesterday, so this is me getting it out of my system. This is my story: 

You know, some times life is just... It just is. There doesn't seem to be a rhyme or reason to it, so carelessly brought into a world of savage beauty. It can be so many things that defy explanation; ups and downs, etc. Each persons story is different, if only in the slightest of ways; but those slightest of ways can make the world of difference. This is the story of my life and everything I've gone through. I don't seek your approval; I don't seek fame or fortune. I just want to tell my story the best I can and get it out. 

My earliest memory is actually of the second day after I was born, my mom was wheeled out of the emergency room holding me in her arms and I saw my Dad holding my older sister. What I saw distorted and blurry and the sizes of the bodies were all wrong. I have no idea why I remember that or how, but I do. I don't have too many other childhood memories from before I actually became conscious and aware of day-to-day events; just a couple thrown in over the years.

I don't remember my mother and father ever being together. They split up when I was born and went their separate ways. My mother would later tell me it was because my Dad was a sick fuck and violent and drank too much. She told me at a young age how he admitted to her that he had fucked a dog. I have no idea if this is true or not, but it's definitely not something you tell a child. Most of what I remember of my early youth was moving in with my step-dad in his mobile home and having visitations with my Dad, who was in the Air Force at the time and dating my step-mother who he had knocked up at the same time as my mother, when she was pregnant with my older sister. I later learned that the reason he married my mother first was because his mother wouldn't let him marry my step-mom; viewing my mother as the lesser of two evils.

Moving in with my step-dad was. It just was; I have nothing to describe it with because it seemed perfectly natural to me at the time. I didn't know much. In fact, I still don't know much. My step-dad was a great guy; he told my sister and I from the very start that we weren't his kids, we weren't to call him Dad because he already had two kids of his own and didn't need any more; he made sure that we knew that. Not Ever. I'm not sure if he was trying to be reasonable and let us know he wasn't taking the spot of our father, or if he actually meant it the way he said it. It was the start of the abuse, at any rate.

Adults were Gods to us at that time. All-knowing beings. So, if they were mad or mean, there had to be a good reason for it, right? That's what I thought back then. He used to drink Tequila and would get so mean and vindictive and petty. He would let us know that our whole family was shit and that we were shit because we were a part of it. He thrived on putting us down. Him and Mom fought a lot to the point of exchanging physical blows. We did what was natural: we cried. It would get so bad at times that Mom would go out in her car and start to leave and he would come in and tell us that we better go with her to make sure she didn't kill herself; and frightened of the possibility, we did. We would go to our grandparents house for a few days or simply go sit at a park somewhere in the middle of the night and watch Mom balance her checkbook.

What Mom didn't get to see was how we were treated when she was gone at work and we were home alone with our step dad. During those times, we were subjected to his insanity. I understand now that he suffered similarly at the hands of his father and was never able to rise above it, but it still hurts a lot. I looked up to him and wanted to make him proud of me, even though he never wanted to recognize me as his son; I felt like he was my father, cause he was the only father I really knew after my Dad went out of my life for molesting my sister and I. At least my step-dad never laid a hand on us whether sexually or to hit us, though he had to put a lot of restraint into himself for not hitting us some times, I'm sure; but the mental abuse was worse than if we were beaten.

Mom wouldn't believe us, though. She always said she would talk to him and then she would tell us that everything was fine, but it only got worse for a couple days each time, so we just stopped telling her and it kind of killed any relationship I had with my Mother, because there was just nothing to talk about. She was abused in her childhood and continuing to be abused and I was just being abused not knowing any of that and not trusting to tell her because it did no good. No matter how much we begged her to leave him, she never would. What twisted part of our souls yearns for abuse; feels that we deserve it? I don't know, maybe when she talked to him, he apologized to her; maybe he broke down in tears and cried for her and promised her he would change and get better; that he wanted to but it was hard. I don't know. It would have been uncharacteristic of him to do so, but maybe...

By the time School started, I was already problem child. I was hyper and destructive; odd and highly reactive to bullies, which meant that my future was sealed as far as being a bully magnet. The teachers thought I had ADHD and went above my parents head to put me on Ritalin, which didn't help at all. I was never Attention Deficit in any sense of the meaning. I was always the one paying attention to multiple things at once and making it look like I wasn't. I did well in school, always, when I tried. If anything, I think I may have been high-functional autistic. They didn't know how to diagnose it back then and it can be similar to ADHD in many ways. I also may have been a bit bipolar. I really don't know. Nobody cared enough to try to get me the help I actually needed; just stuck me on some pills and shoved me off.

After a while, they noticed the Ritalin wasn't working so well and had me placed on Silert instead, which made me a zombie and was later recalled by the FDA for being an unsafe drug. I was taken off of it by my Dad when I went to visit him in Virginia in second grade. At that time, I was a very violent kid and was visiting the Principals Office at the least 3-4 times a week. My teacher was scared of me. But, I had straight A's because I was made to do all the school work while I was there, something that my Mom and Step Dad never stuck with me on.

Life with Dad wasn't all pleasant. He still drank his gin and scotch and was gone working a lot to provide a place for us to stay in, some times driving over 100 miles a day to go to work. This lasted until he received a letter from my mom. Apparently, when he broke up with my step-mom in Virginia and moved, he failed to tell my mother where we were moving to so she could keep in contact; and she managed to get a hold of him through someone else and threatened him with kidnapping charges if he didn't send me back. About that time, I was being a handful and one day when yelling that I wanted my mom, he decided to send me home. I didn't really want to leave; I loved my Dad; course I didn't really know about the molestations at that point and he was never really an attentive father; just came down hard on me when he needed to and made sure I did good.

Shortly afterwards, he moved back to our state and tried getting visitations again, but my sister had been found with scar tissue inside of her that could have only been caused by rape and it came out that my Dad had done and I had mentioned at that point how he had once showed me what 'semen' was. Mom and Step Dad got custody of us and we were adopted shortly after, but Dad was gone for a long time with a no-contact order placed on him. I didn't see him again until about 3-5 years after that. I think I was 12 or 13 at the time.

I didn't really understand it and somehow got the feeling that he had never wanted me in his life. I came to know differently later, but this feeling stuck with me for the longest time that I had two fathers and neither one wanted me. Kids at school made fun of me and wouldn't be my friends because other people made fun of them for being my friend; so I was outcast and I hung out with other outcasts. I made friends with the disabled kids because I knew my sister had done the same thing when she was in school and I looked up to her.

Keep in mind that I wasn't an innocent and perfect angel throughout this. I did my share of fucked off things. I locked myself in the bathroom at one time and my sister was trying to get me to come out and she asked if I was possessed (we were young at the time and Mom had been teaching us the bible.) I said 'yes' and came out of the bathroom, grabbed a crutch and started beating her with it. She doesn't remember that at all. I tormented our cats and I think I may have ultimately been the one responsible for my cats death, though they said it was some sort of kidney or liver disease that took him, and I felt really bad about that for a long while after I found out; but that was years later. I would put them in the freezer when they misbehaved; to 'chill out'. I would choke them and exert my dominance over them. It's nothing I'm proud of and this is actually the first time I've ever said anything to anyone about it. I just started remembering all of this again out of nowhere and I really wish I hadn't. I don't know why I made myself remember any of this.

I kept acting up in School and just about everywhere I went. I hated my life and began to wish for death. I cried myself to sleep a lot of nights and some times would just sit in the dark, crying and listening to Mom and Step Dad fight and I would feel so helpless about everything. It didn't help that during this same time, I was being babysat by our next door neighbors' kids. Both of them older boys and they would make me do sexual acts to play video games. This happened about the time I was in third grade and I didn't really know any better. I didn't want to do it, but I really wanted to play video games. I knew something was wrong about it, but I didn't know quite what and it took me a while to be able to say anything about it.

When I did talk about it, my Mom and Step Dad had some heated words with our neighbors but nothing was really done about it beyond that. It went this way for a long while. Not the molestations, but the general degradation on a sliding scale. By the time I hit middle school, I had barely any self esteem at all. all shit did was just get worse. I tried fighting back a couple times, but I never won so I stopped fighting back and mostly just wished for death. I was I was still in the 'outcast' crowd, but it wasn't by choice and they didn't really choose to like me either. We were the outcasts, though; we were all we had.

The friends I made outside of school all picked on me a lot and were mean and torturous, including my cousin that I hung out with when visiting with my Grandma and Grandpa. Sometimes they would beat me up for the sheer hell of it. They'd always put me down and pick away at me and I think the only reason I kept hanging out with them was because they allowed me to and I so desperately needed to be accepted somewhere. One of my best friends in school during that time actually tried choking me to death over a minor little annoying thing I was doing. It was my fault; he told me to stop and I kept doing it knowing it was pissing him off; and he was dealing with his own problems. All I could really do was laugh, so I laughed in his face while mine was turning blue and continued laughing even after a teacher came up and tackled him off of me.

I had my head rammed into a lot of things, from brick walls to lockers, for no other reason than because people could do so. I started picking at people at that point in the hope that they would do it really hard just one time and I would get amnesia and not be able to remember anything. No such luck. My Sister ran away from home when she was 15 or 16 and I was 12 or 13. She started staying with friends here and there, popping back and forth until she got a job and a place of her own. My step-dad continued his psycho crap throughout it all, some times being nice and friendly, but mostly just leaving hateful little notes around the house and hounding me incessantly when I was home and Mom wasn't, or couldn't hear.

I started to step between him and Mom when they fought and he started waking me up in the middle of the night to cause an argument and then tell me to get out of his house. I wouldn't ever last long in a fight against him, though it was mostly words a lot of the time. He only shoved me once, and I flew backward from it. He was just vicious no matter how he fought and had a way of knowing what your secret weaknesses were and went right for them to make you cry so you would shut up. After knowing someone for a while, it's a very easy thing to do, and I did it for a time as well, having learned how. I began to escape to my sister's house on weekends from time to time to get away from it all and see my Nephews.

My first Nephew was born when I was in eighth grade and I was very proud of him. I did manage to get a girlfriend that year, as well, but it didn't last even a week because she couldn't put up with all of the harassment she was getting from everyone else. It didn't really help my self-esteem much. I began to be kicked out of school for the first time ever. In Elementary School, they were more tolerant of my actions and just put me in a room in the office or the counselors office, away from the other kids. The Vice Principal took a shine to me, though and did his best to help me out when he could.

When I got into an incident at lunch that I should have been kicked out of school for, I was put into an isolation room for lunch time for a couple months after that. I was allowed to have one person join me if they wanted to, and was lucky enough to have a good friend at the time who did so, which is kind of funny because we met in a class where I was kicking the back of his chair. But then, we were both in the outcast crowd and mostly got along Ok. I can only say so much about Middle School because it was just the same as elementary school, but worse. Same type of stuff happened, but it was amplified because it was a continuation of everything else and kids became a lot more violent. That, and it only lasted two years, thankfully.

In High School, it was really bad for the first two years as things amplified even more. I hadn't cared about doing well in School for quite some time and wasn't pressed to be, so I only did well in classes I liked. Even then, the only reason I didn't get A's in those classes was because I didn't care to do all the work, not because I couldn't do it. I kept getting picked on and kept getting kicked out of school until I eventually got a teacher that hated me and went out of her way to target me out of all the rest of the class. Easy enough, I just stopped going to that class. As a result, I got suspended from school after the fifth day when they managed to catch up to me. I knew it was coming because the class I was skipping was in the middle of the day and I still went to all my other classes. I actually got called into the office on the fourth day and wasn't got to by the time the lunch bell rang, so I went to lunch and continued my day as normal. The next day they were ready to deal with me and I basically got expelled for the rest of the school year. For skipping class. Go figure.

I didn't have many options at the time, having just turned sixteen, so I went to Job Corps. It's a good program, definitely, for anyone age 16-24. It's structured to give you job training and schooling and is government ran. You get paid while being there and you learn how to deal with the reality of society if you have a mind to. I wasn't mentally prepared to to follow it through and it didn't help matters any that I was told as much by my Step Dad before going. I mean, even though it turned out to be true, he could have at least tried to be supportive. I might have done better then instead of having to deal with a stigma while trying to prove him wrong.

I only lasted a month and three weeks there, but I had already managed to get most of my trade training done in Business and Clerical and obtained my G.E.D. They wanted to put me on this center contract thing where if I screwed up again, I would be kicked out, but I knew that I wouldn't be able to stick to it, so I opted to go home. After that, I had the choice of finding work or going back to school. Since I couldn't find work, I decided to make another go at School and attended a challenger school until I could be placed in regular school again, at a grade lower than I should have been. Things did pick up in school kind of after that because the people I went to class with didn't know me and didn't know they should pick on me, and those who used to pick on me had grown up enough to not do it as much and they didn't see me as much; except for my cousin who continued to get worse and he and his friends broke me quite a few times.

I fell into stealing from stores for a while during one of the times I got suspended and did that for a long time. I'd go to the store about every day to steal something; anything. I kept myself in cigarette tobacco and cigars and came across a lot of new books to read amongst other things. I eventually got arrested at a different store for stealing about 6 dollars worth of stuff, which was ironic considering the thousands of dollars I stole from the other store. Only time I've been arrested and I just did not like it, so I've made sure not to have it again and gotten pretty lucky that one my mistakes since hasn't gotten me landed there.

Around that time, my step dad finally got arrested for beating my Mom, thanks to a neighbor making an anonymous call, but he was made to go to Anger Management instead of jail time. He saw a video there of guys who beat their wives to death and it changed him a little. He told my Mom that he had never meant to hurt her, he just wanted her to shut up. He only hit her a time or two after that, but he took it out of us in his other ways, increasing his efforts in mentally screwing with us. I was getting kicked out of the house more and just decided to stay at friends houses for the night or a couple nights and my Mom started having my Sister track me down. My step-dad told her I was running away.

I had my first nervous breakdown at 17 and my step dad just thought I was faking it. I could barely make the call to my sister to have her come and get me because I just couldn't pull myself together. I had lost control of myself and had wrapped my arms around my legs and rocked back and forth with tears rolling out of my eyes like rain from the sky. It is impossible to interact with anyone at that point with any semblance of pride, because you're blubbering like a baby. Not that I had much pride at that point, anyway.

I mean, I've always known I was intelligent and that I had potential, because people always told me that, but I was also always told that I was worthless and would never amount to anything, so I never had the motivation to do anything with it. I had reached the bottom and I knew I was going to die, when and how. I knew that when I was old enough to buy a gun that I would do so and blow my brains out. To me, it was the most painless way I could think of and it seemed quick. Ironically, years later, I found a really good and painless way to commit suicide, but only after I started wanting to live.

School went well enough up until it came to the year I was supposed to graduate. Things were still going much the same at home and with my friends, though it had cooled down a bit at school and with my friends. I knew I wasn't going to do the Senior Project for my School that was necessary to graduate so I withdrew myself at the age of eighteen with the consent of a parent. I thought I could do it without needing parental confirmation because I was eighteen and was kind of upset when I found out otherwise. Sadly, though, it wasn't the first time I was allowed to give up on myself.

I worked odd jobs for a bit after that, here and there and mostly tried to spend all of my waking hours away from home, but it still came down to a head one night at three in the morning. Apparently, I had said something to my step dad's pot dealer that he didn't like and he woke me up to confront me about it, forcing me to give him my key to the house and to get out. At that time, I thought I was homeless and was going to have to live on the streets and I didn't have much of a plan. I think I probably would have despaired at that point and found a way to end it, but Life is funny some times.

The night before, I had managed to track my Dad down on the internet at the community college that one of my friends and his Girlfriend went to and had gotten his address and phone number. I walked around for a couple hours until about six and went over to my friends house to wake him up to hang out. Wasn't the first time for that, either. I was constantly waking him up to hang out over the years and only recently have I learned how annoying that can be. I had also spent a good number of nights trying to sleep in the backseat of his moms car because I'd been kicked out of the house by my step-dad and she always left the car door unlocked. I went around with him job hunting and did despair on that point because I didn't have an address I could put down on an application.

After we got back, I gave my sister a call and told her what was going on and she asked me if I had a plan. I still didn't have one, but I showed her what I had found. I didn't know how she would react, given her history with our Dad, but I don't think I would have had the courage to contact him if She hadn't made the call for me. Only now do I realize that she must have had a way to contact him before, having been in contact with other people who knew where he lived and that she must have passed it up. It makes me appreciate her even more because I know she only endured visiting with him for my sake and probably to try to get closure in her own life.

Getting back in contact with my Dad was a life-changing event. Before then, I had gotten the thought stuck in my head that I had had two Dads in my life, more than most people, and neither one had wanted me. I found out differently the first weekend and also found out I had a little Brother and Sister. My little Sister is only a week older than my oldest nephew and my Brother is three years older than her, the reverse of me and my older sister. By that time, my older sister had four kids, two boys and two girls and I loved them a lot, but I was filled with a love I had never known before then because I had gone from being the youngest child to finding out I had a little brother and sister. I finally understood what it meant to be an older sibling and my respect for my older sister just grew enormously.

I was so happy and the happiness was just so overwhelming and foreign to me that after that first weekend, I had to to sit for a couple hours just to absorb it all and I finally got to understand what people meant by the term 'happy tears'. For once in my life, I was accepted right off the bat and held in high esteem for being the one to track them down on the internet. As I said, it was life-changing and I began to get a whole new outlook on life because of it. But it didn't all happen over night. I had to go back home to my Mom and step dad's house for a week or two after that, but I knew I couldn't stay there. To this day, I would still rather live on the streets than go back to live in that house for any length of time.

After that, it was arranged that I would move in with my Sister and she would put in a good word for me at her work. So it was that I wound up working the morning shift at McDonald's, with her as my manager. We clashed heads a lot because we would push each others buttons and I was still trying to reign in my anger and learn to feel other emotions again. I got laid for the first time, by a co-worker, and I learned what it felt like to be used for sex and when she started playing games with me, I played them back on her. She ended up quitting work because of me on a day when I actually handled a problem like I was supposed to, which I got commended for by the managers who were working at the time. She threw her name-tag in the garbage pail and walked out and I don't think I saw her again after that. I didn't much care, either.

I fought with my sister at work and at home and just about everywhere and it came to a head finally; she just couldn't take it anymore. She was living in a two bedroom apartment with her fiance and her four kids and I was just the seventh person adding stress. If I had got caught staying there, she could have been thrown out. I had been offered a couple months before a place to stay at my Dad's if I wanted it and hadn't taken them up on it because I wanted to make a decent run of things instead of just running to an out. I learned something about myself from fighting with my Sister, though. She did point out to me one time that when I got angry I acted just like our step dad and after a long walk I decided that she was right and I've been working on changing that ever since then.

I got work for a couple weeks at my Dad's house, but I couldn't deal with the different pace of the McDonald's up in their area. It was too stressful for me and I quit to avoid another nervous breakdown, having had a couple more since the first one when I was seventeen. We were a bit out of town and it didn't make it easy to go look for jobs because both my Dad and my Step Mom worked and I used that as an excuse to stay home and hang out with my little brother and Sister more often. I kind of took over my little brothers World of Warcraft account during that time.

After a month or two, though, my Dad and Step Mom broke up after having been together for eleven years. I didn't see it coming and it really tore me up for a while. I decided to stay with my Step Mom while my Dad tried to situate himself so I could help out with watching my little brother and sister and spend time with them. I kept slipping back into depression, though, and I really dropped the ball while watching them one afternoon when I decided to get into my Step Mom's Valium. It was like God wanted to get back at me for all those years I spent wishing I was dead and grabbed my hand, because I only had control over myself for the first pill. I remember taking four more after that, but it was like watching something from a distance that you have no control over.

What I don't remember is the other thirteen Valium that followed after that or the six anti-depressants I took on top of it. I blacked out, so I don't remember much of anything until I woke up in the hospital over a day later. Apparently, my little Brother, who is high-functional autistic, made the call to my step mom to let her know that something was wrong with me, because I was acting all weird. She rushed home and saw the state I was in. I was still conscious at that point, but I wasn't there. I don't remember it at all. She said I swore at her and called her names when she asked me what was going on. She took a look at her pills and saw how many were gone and made the call to the paramedics, who showed up right as my systems started failing.

When I woke up in the hospital, I didn't even know what had happened. I was confused and wanted to get out of there and told them that I would just take the IVs out of my arms and walk out, but I couldn't even move to do it. My Dad and his new girlfriend; who was the sister of my first step-mom and the best friend of the step-mom he had just broken up with; decided that I needed to be placed in a halfway house, so they ditched me there while barely explaining anything to me, which was when my mom and step dad tried acting like parents again and came out and visited once a week or so and called. I let them because I was all alone and scared and confused; though I tried to make the best of it. I knew that they did care about me a lot and just never really knew how to show it. I consider my little Brother a hero. He saved my life and doesn't even know how much that means to me.

I spent two months in that halfway house, where I found God. Actually, I realized that he had been walking along beside me the whole time. I still don't believe in any one religions view of God, but I believe in God. I had to leave, though, because nobody had paid the rent on the second month and I didn't remember being told that I would have to pay it and hadn't been looking for a job. I ended up moving in to my grandparents, where I found work and continued to work on myself. I still hung out with old friends but being picked on was losing its appeal to me. I've moved around a couple times since then, but it's where I hang my coat again at the moment.

I continued to visit my Dad until I got drunk one night while staying over at his house and fondled my 12 year old half-sister. This was.. 4 or 5 years ago. I don't know what I was thinking at the time, but it just sickens me every time I think about it. My Dad and Step-mom dropped me like a sore habit and the Counselor that my half-sister had to go to was forced to alert the authorities about me even no one wanted to press charges. I faced responsibility for it when a Detective came out to ask me questions; I never ran from it. Since then, I've learned why I did it and I've made strides to make sure it would never happen again by fixing parts of my brain that were damaged. The detective was nice and I was honest and he said that most likely nothing would come of it; that even though it seemed like a big deal to me, was nothing major (not to downplay it).

I still run the risk of being swooped up by the DA if he decides to go after me and that's a risk I may run the rest of my life, now. Not worried about it, though; I will serve whatever punishment they give me if they do decide to come after me.

For the most part, even though I haven't been able to find work in the past couple years and have had this huge mental block in place stopping me from doing much of anything for myself and the fact that I have a decent-sized hospital bill to pay along with recurring bouts of depression, my life has been pretty good. I've got a long way to go, but I've made some significant gains in the past 7-8 years. I've learned a lot about life and I'm still under thirty years old. I feel weak at times and defeated, but I'm getting better. Two steps forward, one back. I've learned so much about psychology and people in general just by working on myself and then observing other people for similarities and differences.

I can't really regret my past, though, because it's made me who I am today and I'm stronger and wiser for it. It has defined me in ways that I'm still trying to figure out (though I've come a long way in finding myself and getting to know who I am) and it has made me unique in ways I never really wanted to be. Not that my life has been all bad. I make it seem like that, but there were up-points mixed into it. Times when my step dad and I really got along, times that kept me hoping, but it wasn't enough at the time to counter all the bad. I remember deep philosophical conversations and fishing and a great sense of humor.

I did my best just to hold on and I did. I don't want to think about what would have happened if thing didn't go the way they did; I might have killed myself any number of times. 27 years old and I've survived 19 years of pure and utter torture; taken 8 years since then to work on myself and I still have a long way to go before I'm completely able to deal with depression; but I've made so much progress. I have my confidence back and I've been able to grow a lot, even though I was diagnosed with GERD and Gastritis and still can't really gain a pound. I've had a really bad stress migraine that felt like a blood vessel had popped in my head and I lost about 10-15 lbs in a week that I could ill-afford to lose, being 6'3" and 140 lbs. I dropped down to 121lbs and I don't think I've ever recovered that weight.

I've loved a few times; messed up a lot and so I'm single and alone; which is nothing new, but it does get frustrating at times. I've seen friends move on to better lives; people I went to school with and grew up with start families of their own fresh out of school; seen people I knew become famous, and still here I sit; the outcast loner. I have few friends, and that's the way I like it. The few I have are the few I trust and love. I've struggled with issues of sexuality and gotten them sorted out. I smoke a lot of pot and try to be happy by the end of each day at the very least. What I've learned in life is that happiness is entirely your own responsible; you can't expect anyone else to make you happy; you have to find it and fight for it; you have to literally fight yourself for control of your mind against depression.

I think I'm a little crazy, but who isn't, right? I see so many patterns in the world around me from behavior patterns to world events; I have a habit of seeing through people instead of seeing them. I can see through to their heart and soul and peg them fairly accurately. I'm way too damned intelligent, though and it's fucking me over; I think too damn much that I over-think things and what I think about, nobody really wants to hear or talk about; so it's a fairly lonely existence; but I've found purpose in it. My life has to mean something; my suffering and pain and everything else must be paid for. The only way I can think of to get back at them is to spread as much positivity and hope as I can before I die. I know; usually people seek revenge against the ones that tortured them; but I can understand not only what they went through themselves; but what their parents had to have gone through and their parents parents; I see the trail leading up to them and I've realized that it's nobody's fault; but everyone's to blame, and the madness has to stop somewhere.

It's definitely not easy, though; I'm strong-willed and I'm still not quite over being angry or petty and I tend to say things I shouldn't when I'm trying to be positive and helpful. And, with the world moving ever closer toward what seems to be war on the horizon, It just looks like things are going to get a lot worse before they actually start getting better. Anyway, that's my story up to now. I've missed telling about some things, but you know, it's just more variations of the same. Thank you for taking this ride with me.